Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying (Introducing the yoke.)

There is a quiet shift that happens in many families, and most parents don’t notice it until it’s already taken hold. Parenting moves from guiding to carrying. At first, that makes sense. Children need parents to carry most of the weight. They can’t regulate emotions, make wise decisions, or anticipate consequences. That’s not failure, that’s development. But somewhere along the way, many parents cross an invisible line. 

Without meaning to, they stop helping their children prepare to carry weight, and start carrying it for them. They become load-bearing. Load-bearing parenting have thoughts like:

• “If they’re anxious, I must fix it.”
• “If they’re unhappy, I’ve failed.”
• “If they struggle, something went wrong.”
• “If they drift spiritually, I didn’t do enough.”

This isn’t self-pity. It’s fear, wrapped in love. Most parents didn’t choose this consciously. Cultural pressure nudged them there. So, did good intentions. So, did the fear of being blamed for trauma, for anxiety, for failure and for distance.

The message parents absorbed was subtle but powerful: If your child hurts, you’re responsible. But here’s the problem: No human being was meant to carry another adult’s yoke. Read that again and say it out loud, “No human being was meant to carry another adult’s yoke.”

When parents try, two things happen at once. First, parents become exhausted, resentful, or quietly panicked. They feel responsible for outcomes they can’t control. Second, children never learn how to bear weight themselves. They learn how to offload it.

This is why anxiety and fragility can coexist with independence. A person may resist guidance fiercely while still needing someone else to stabilize them emotionally. Autonomy on the outside. Dependence underneath.

That’s not hypocrisy. That’s confusion about where weight belongs. Adulthood requires weight. Decisions. Consequences. Delayed gratification. Emotional regulation. Responsibility for one’s body, time, money, relationships, and beliefs. Weight is unavoidable!  

But sometimes in parenting there is a tug-a-war taking place between the child and the parent where the “weight of life” can be delayed too long.  When this happen adulthood won’t feel inviting but threatening.  Parents often sense this intuitively. They worry their child isn’t ready.  They might even encourage some steps, but instead of helping them prepare to carry weight, they lessen it or remove it, hoping readiness will magically appear later.

It doesn’t. Weight trains capacity. Struggle develops strength. Responsibility clarifies identity. This doesn’t mean parents should be cold, distant, or indifferent. It means love must mature for the child to learn to carry this weight.

That transition is one of the hardest shifts a parent will ever make. Because it feels like loss. It feels like stepping back when everything in you wants to step in. It feels like trust when certainty is gone. It feels like faith, because it is.

Jesus never promised to remove the yoke of adulthood. He promised to be present within it. That distinction changes everything. If parents believe the goal is to eliminate struggle, they will panic when it appears.

If parents believe the goal is formation, they will stay steady when struggle comes.

The weight your child is carrying may not be evidence of failure. It may be evidence that adulthood has begun.

The question is not whether they will carry weight. The question is whether they will learn to carry it alone, under anxiety, under pressure, under false expectations, or alongside the One who knows how weight is meant to be borne. And whether parents will have the courage to stop carrying what was never meant to be theirs.

Chapter 1 Action Step:  Identify the Weight You’re Carrying

This chapter isn’t asking you to change your parenting. It’s asking you to notice what you’ve been carrying without realizing it. Set aside ten quiet minutes. No phone. No problem-solving.

On a piece of paper, complete this sentence as honestly as you can: “If my child struggles with _____________________________________, I feel personally responsible.”

Don’t explain your answers. Don’t defend them. Just list them.

Common answers include:

• anxiety
• faith
• finances
• relationships
• emotional stability
• motivation
• happiness
• direction

Now circle anything on your list that involves another adult’s internal life.  It can be their emotions, beliefs, or identity. Those are likely weights you were never meant to carry.

Finally, answer one last question in a single sentence: “What am I afraid would happen if I stopped carrying this?” 

You don’t need to resolve that fear yet. You just need to name it. Because before weight can be transferred, it has to be recognized.