Tag Archives: anxiety

Chapter 4: When the Yoke Must Shift

Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

Chapter 3:  The Validation Yoke (When Comfort Stops Helping)

Every parent eventually reaches a moment when they realize the weight they have been carrying for their child; emotionally, spiritually, financially, relationally, has become unsustainable. What starts off as wisdom for the child can start to feel like pressure on the child. What was once protection for the child now feels like a burden to the child. 

And this moment is not failure. It’s maturity of the parent-child relationship. It’s the moment the yoke must shift. Not removed. Not abandoned. But shifted from your shoulders as a parent to their shoulders as the child becomes an adult.  

But it’s easier said than done as a parent. Loving parents often struggle to release the weight of adulthood because they confuse two things: “If I let go, they might suffer.” “If they suffer, I must have failed.” But both statements are untrue.

Here’s the part no parent wants to admit but every parent eventually learns: Suffering in the life of the child is not a sign of failure in the life of the parent or the child.  Repeat that to yourself.  There’s no parenting strategy, summer camp, private school or family camping trip that can protect a child from experiencing suffering in life.

In fact, when a child begins to experience suffering, it is a sign that the yoke is finally where it belongs. The child is feeling the weight of life on their shoulders. This hardship, which is perceived as negative by parents and children, is actually a means of grace to draw our children to faith in Jesus.

Whether the reader is religious or not, the principle is universal: Growth in life requires friction. Strength comes from struggle. You cannot develop muscles without tension, faith without uncertainty, or character without consequences, therefore, our adult children cannot develop into the fullness of who they are becoming if a parent continues to carry the weight life, or even parts of the weight, that are intended for the adult child.

Most parents are going to push back on this, because most parents instinctively want to protect their children from pain. That’s natural. But there’s a subtle trap in that pursuit of protection. 

  • If I push, they’ll pull away.
  • If I set boundaries, they’ll withdraw.
  • If I correct, they’ll shut down.
  • If I share truth, they’ll think I don’t love them.

This is a yoke of fear as a parent, and it doesn’t belong to the parent. It belongs to the child. And a parent has to recognize it before they can release it.  Often times, the biggest challenge to a parent recognizing it is because parents put too much pressure on themselves to provide a “successful launch” into adulthood. 

As a parent, we think to ourselves, “I want my child to have good social skills, be able to do some laundry, budget money, navigate a romantic relationship, keep up with responsibilities, manage their health and hygiene, work a job, and take the necessary steps to prepare for college or work after high school.” It’s a lot! 

What child transitioning into adulthood wouldn’t struggle.  It isn’t realistic to not see struggle. There are going to be bumps and those bumps in the life of our children isn’t a sign of their failure or our failure as parents, but instead those bumps are a sign that those children are beginning to carry the yoke of adulthood.  That’s a win!

Most launches into adulthood look great on the outside and on Instagram, but on the inside, there are a lot of start-stop transitions into adulthood. There are bursts of growth and seasons of plateau. Maybe even regression? 

From the parent’s perspective there are going to be times of confusion, and from the child’s perspective there are going to be times of frustration. There are going to be times it looks like the child is ready to embrace adulthood. And there are going to be times when the child is going to reject adulthood because of the discomfort that comes with it. This is why the parents can’t remove that yoke or try to carry it for them. It doesn’t mean parents disappear in those moments of one step forward and two steps back, but instead we are repositioning ourselves in their lives from carrier to companion. 

This transition isn’t going to be smooth for the parents as well. As a parent we have spent 20-years pouring our heart and soul into our children. We’ve played with them, cried with them, fought for them, cheered for them, cuddled with them; it’s a great season.  

But that season is over and a new season is coming, therefore, we want to grieve what was, celebrate those memories, and begin to cast a new vision for a new season where we will make new memories and share new experiences.  

The Cost of Carrying What Isn’t Yours

When parents keep carrying weight that belongs to their adult child, four predictable outcomes appear:

  1. Emotional Exhaustion
    • You become depleted.
    • Your nervous system stays in high alert.
    • You anticipate their emotional storms before they come.
  2. Resentment
    • You start feeling taken advantage of, even when your child doesn’t intend it.
    • You feel like your investment is wasted.
    • Your patience shortens.
  3. Defensive Parenting
    • You respond out of self-preservation instead of clarity.
    • This is when conversations turn sharp, not wise.
  4. Delayed Maturity
    • Your child never develops the internal muscle needed to carry their own life.

Chapter 4 Action Step: “Transferring the Weight Where it Belongs”

Choose one specific area where you have been carrying weight for your adult child:

Examples include:

  • managing their emotions
  • protecting them from consequences
  • supporting them financially
  • reminding them of responsibilities
  • rescuing them socially
  • regulating their anxiety
  • managing their calendar
  • filling the relational gap their partner leaves

Pick only one. Then write one sentence:

This area _____________________________ belongs to them, not me. I am going to take a clear action step of ________________________________ to signal the transfer of ownership.

Examples include:

  • stop reminding
  • stop rescuing
  • stop softening the truth
  • stop covering a bill
  • stop absorbing their anxiety
  • stop tiptoeing around a topic

Remember, you’re not abandoning your children in these moments. You are positioning them for strength. A shifted yoke doesn’t create distance. It creates maturity.

Chapter 3:  The Validation Yoke (When Comfort Stops Helping)

Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

One of the most confusing parts of parenting an adult child is learning when comfort helps and when comfort backfires. Because comforting our children is good and comforting our children can heal.

But comfort can also hinder a child’s growth into adulthood. And most parents don’t know they’ve crossed that line until the relationship starts straining under the weight of it. So that the same yoke meant to help children step into adulthood can become something the parent takes on unnecessarily.  

When someone you love is anxious, exhausted, overwhelmed, or hurt, the first instinct is usually to validate, encourage and comfort.  We say things like, “I get it.” “That makes sense.” “Anyone would feel that way.”

Those sentences matter. They communicate presence. They reduce shame. They lower emotional volume. But validation alone is incomplete. Here’s what I learned: Validation calms emotions but can accidentally confirm the narrative fueling the anxiety.

Your child could hear, “You’re right to be afraid.” “Your worst-case scenario is probably true.” “Your interpretation of this situation is accurate because you’re overwhelmed.” For a young adult already living with high internal pressure, self-critique, and fear of being exposed, that kind of validation feels like relief, but it also quietly reinforces their most unstable thoughts.

The parent’s intent is comfort, but the child’s interpretation can become confirmation. And, as a result, the emotional weight doubles. This is why it is imperative for the child to take on their own yoke as an adult.  

When our children feel fear it isn’t panic it’s their perception of reality.  It is their brain focusing on short-term thinking.  It is self-protection.  It is image management.  When someone is in this mental state they usually aren’t able to hear all perspectives.  It is a loud alarm going off in their brain, “This is horrible!”

Suggestions aren’t going to usually make a dent, because “danger” is screaming at them in this emotional and mental state, so when a parent validates the emotion and the interpretation, fear gains more authority, not less.

Validation then becomes permission for the fear to keep running the show. Therefore, as a parent it puts us in a difficult place, because how are we supposed to respond in those moments?  And, also, we have a job to manage, a romantic relationship to grow, and there’s always some laundry to do!  

But, there is a difference between providing comfort and endorsing the story fear is telling our children.  We know yelling at them to calm down isn’t going to help.  I am sure we’ve all tried!  We know accepting the narrative as fact isn’t the answer either. 

Expressing Comfort That Heals

These types of responses will only lead to short-term relief, and sometimes we need short-term relief, but in this chapter, we are trying to build patterns for parenting our children into adulthood. Here are some simple steps:

Mirroring: As a parent we can acknowledge the emotion by mirroring, “I see that you are worried, scared, concerned.”  We aren’t validating the emotion but we are acknowledging the emotion.  

Tone and Breathing: W can slow the pace of the conversation by our tone and breathing in the conversation.  Stability is our strongest gift we can give to our children.  Putting a consistent roof over their head, access to food and water and adult relationships that are moderately healthy is a gift that many children will struggle to find.  Therefore, as a parent, when we take steps to be aware of our tone and breathing when our children are in an emotional and mental state of panic and fear, we are taking huge steps in parenting.  It’s really hard!  

Name it: Then, if possible, we can help our children name the fear.  It is helping our children to distinguish between the false reality inside them driving their panic and the true reality of life in that moment.  

It might be something like, “I am really mad at a friend. I am going to do horrible on a test. I don’t like my physical appearances.” Those emotions and fears are real, but at the same time the world is still spinning. Oxygen is still available.  More than likely, the sun will come out tomorrow! These types of responses aren’t dismissing the panic but prioritizing the panic.  

This interaction with your child can help them calm down.  It won’t always, but we’re not looking for perfect parenting.  We’re looking for patterns in parenting that help our children take on that yoke as an adult.  

Overtime the child can use this conversation to find clarity in the panic, and hopefully even capacity to process their emotions on their own, so that they might even see a path forward on their own.  When they start to see a path forward and find their own direction it is a win, because it is a step toward them taking on their own yoke as an adult.  

Let’s identify some challenges why these steps will be challenging for the parent:

  1. Responsibilities:  Parents have so many responsibilities today!  The topics we are talking about aren’t going to protect our children from all the pain in the world, but it can be helpful in those moments when we feel stuck. Let’s not put too much pressure on ourselves as parents!
  2. Savior Complex: It’s fun to rescue our children! It’s fun to be the hero! It’s fun to have all the answers. The fear we have of losing that role with our children can often become a huge challenge.  
  3. Guilt / Regret:  The fear of doing something wrong as a parent is a heavy weight.  Everything we do is being made visible, and our children will likely have pictures and videos for evidence, therefore, the guilt of our children going through uncomfortable experience and not fixing it for them is very difficult.  
  4. Misreading the Moment:  We don’t know as much about our children as we think we know about our children.  I know, you are thinking that sentence must apply to other parents but sometimes our children don’t know themselves, so they are simply doing / saying what they think their parents want them to do / say.  It makes it really difficult. 

How This Connects to the Yoke

A yoke is not a device of comfort. But it is also not a device of domination. It is a device of shared strength. When validation replaces development, the yoke becomes delayed. A healthy yoke requires confidence to make decisions. Clarity to see the decisions that need to be made. This isn’t something that happens overnight. 

Chapter 3 Action Step:  Name the Feeling, Reclaim the Meaning.

Here’s a simple practice you can use in real conversations with your adult child:

Name the Feeling (so they feel seen)

Use one sentence:

  • “It sounds like this hit you harder than you expected.”
  • “I hear how heavy this feels.”

Separate the Feeling from the Story

Ask one grounding question:

  • “What’s the part you’re most afraid of right now?”
  • “What do we actually know, not what we fear?”

Reframe with Calm, Not Correction

Offer one sentence of perspective:

  • “Your feelings are real, but they’re not the full picture.”
  • “You’re capable of handling this step-by-step.”

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

When most people think about anxiety, they picture trembling hands, shallow breathing, or emotional panic. It is but the kind of anxiety that shapes family dynamics rarely looks like that. It’s quieter. Subtler. More like a background hum than an alarm.

It shows up as:

  • overthinking
  • mood swings
  • sarcasm
  • withdrawing
  • hypervigilance
  • defensiveness
  • shutting down
  • or the inability to make even simple decisions

Anxiety, at its core, is threat perception. It’s what happens when your internal system scans the world and concludes: “I’m not safe. I’m not ready. Something is wrong.”  For many adult children today, this anxiety didn’t appear suddenly. It accumulated over time. Cultural pressure didn’t help. Social media normalized it. The expectation to “live your truth,” “find your identity,” and “build your personal brand” intensified it.

And for parents, this anxiety often became something they tried to manage for their children. Sometimes unconsciously. But, in the end, anxiety is a yoke for anyone entering into adulthood.

And if you’ve parented a child into adulthood, you’ve felt the weight of anxiety as a yoke. Even if you didn’t have language for it; any parent knows the horrible feeling of seeing your child struggle and wanting to fix the problem for them. This doesn’t mean the family is broken.  It means they are human. But over time, anxiety can begin to shape the emotional climate of the home.  

Anxious children crave validation because it lowers immediate distress.  Parents will often turn to phrases like, “I get it. That sounds awful. Anyone would feel that way.”  These responses bring quick relief to our children, and in general, those responses can be comforting but prolonged empathy can convey agreement.

When anxiety goes unexamined in the life of the child and / or the parent, the parent will stop guiding and start absorbing. They will feel responsible for the emotional weather in the home. They will adjust to avoid storms. They will walk on egg-shells around their children. They will over-help to prevent collapse. They will rescue to prevent regret. It makes sense.  It’s human.  But it can also hinder the transfer of the yoke for the child.

In the moment, anxiety might be lowered but in the long run avoiding anxiety will only increase anxiety.  It is because in those moments of “helping” it is telling the child “their fears were accurate; their ability is questionable” and they don’t get to grow through the struggle.  

This result confuses parents the most.  How can someone who doesn’t want my help also struggle when things go wrong?  How can someone resist support and also collapse without support?  How can someone be so strong-willed and fragile? A parent will think an anxious child entering into adulthood would run to their parents for support, but sometimes it’s just the opposite:

An anxious child may:

  • reject guidance
  • sabotage help
  • hide problems
  • push for autonomy
  • cling to unhealthy relationships
  • collapse behind closed doors

This isn’t rebellion. It’s fear. A yoke they’re trying to carry alone, without the strength to bear it.  This isn’t something a parent can get around in the development of their children.  It’s a normal part of maturity.  

The Yoke of Anxiety and the Yoke of Jesus

Anxious people see the world as something they must manage. Jesus invites them to see the world as something they can walk through with Him. Your child may not articulate this. They may not even believe it. But their anxiety is already telling a spiritual story:

  • “They are alone.”
  • “They must control everything.”
  • “They cannot fail.”
  • “They must protect themselves.”
  • “They can’t trust others.”

When Jesus says, “My yoke is easy,” He’s not promising a soft life. He’s promising shared weight. You are not asking your child to take on religion. You are inviting them to learn how weight is meant to be carried. And before they can learn that, the parent must learn to stop carrying what isn’t theirs to carry. That is a parent’s deepest act of love.

Chapter 2 Action Step:  Name the Anxious Pattern Without Blame

Take ten quiet minutes and answer these three prompts:

  1. In our family, anxiety usually shows up as: (Check all that apply)
  • over-explaining
  • withdrawing
  • shutting down
  • defensiveness
  • mood swings
  • avoiding decisions
  • rescuing others
  • over-helping
  • validating everything
  • walking on eggshells
  • When my adult child becomes anxious, I tend to: (Circle the one that feels most accurate.)
  • fix
  • explain
  • reassure
  • validate
  • back off
  • over-function
  • tiptoe

3. Which of these responses is actually me absorbing their weight?

This is your growth edge, not a place for shame, but for awareness. When you can name the pattern, you can stop fueling it. Because anxiety is a yoke. But it doesn’t have to be the one your family wears forever.

Navigating Anxious Thoughts After the Hill Country Floods – What Families Need to Know

Our family has lived in the hill country for over 20-years.  We’ve seen summers without any rain.  Specifically, in 2011 the days were so hot and dry the city council of Austin issued a mandate for the city to pray for rain!  

You can imagine our surprise in 2025 when it rained so much that rivers flooded, dams broke, and we experienced some of the greatest pain in the Hill Country that we have experienced in decades.  

In those early morning hours, the Hill Country community was hit with devastating floods that disrupted homes, schools, and everyday life. In moments like these, families face not just the physical aftermath, but also the emotional ripple effects that follow, especially for our children. 

You can also imagine the anxious thoughts everyone is experiencing right now.  How does someone move forward after experiencing so much tragedy?  How does a family decide to send their child to a summer camp again after something so tragic?  How does a person not get these rushed feelings of panic every time it rains?  How do we not just stay busy to stay distracted?

I had the opportunity to sit down with my wife, a Licensed Professional Counselor, who serves students and their families in the Hill Country area, and she has had a front row experience with these questions and here are a few things she recommended:

Acknowledge the Impact

First and foremost, let people know they are seen. This has been a traumatic, overwhelming time for many. If your family is hurting, displaced, or unsure of what comes next, please know you are not alone, and your feeling is valid.

Emotional Reactions Are Normal

Children may not have the words to describe what they’re feeling, but they’re processing the loss and fear in their own way.  Unfortunately, most children in the Hill Country have been affected by these floods or know someone who was affected.  

Some children may act out, others may withdraw. Some may suddenly cling to you, have nightmares, or feel anxious about the weather. These responses are not signs of something “wrong.” They’re signs of something real.

As parents and caregivers, your calm presence and listening ear matter more than perfect answers. Simply acknowledging your child’s feelings, “That was really scary, wasn’t it?,”can help them feel safe and understood.

Rebuild Routine Where You Can

One of the best things you can do for your child in this season is to restore rhythm where possible. Whether it’s consistent mealtimes, bedtime routines, or walking them to school, familiar patterns offer emotional stability when the world feels uncertain.

When I was speaking to a family about one of their children possibly going to summer camp this year I validated those feelings.  Summer camp is a wonderful opportunity for children.  Then, I encouraged the parents to simply ask their children, “Do they want to go to summer camp?”  Different children are going to respond to this tragedy in different ways.  

Talk Honestly—but Gently

Kids don’t need every detail, but they do need honest reassurance. Let them know the adults around them are working hard to keep them safe. Use age-appropriate language to answer their questions and remind them that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or scared.

Watch for Ongoing Signs of Stress

In the weeks ahead, watch for ongoing signs of trauma: trouble sleeping, appetite changes, withdrawal from friends, or constant worrying. These may be signs your child needs more support—and that’s okay. There is help, and healing is possible.

Remember, life is loud, and when life is really loud, sometimes we can forget some of the true promises that we have held onto for so long.  Stress makes us forget and question, we aren’t thinking clearly in times of stress.  We can forget God’s truth.  We can forget God’s character.  We can forget God’s promises.  We can start to lose sight of who we are also!  

And sometimes, when we go through all that forgetting we can latch on to stories and ideas that aren’t true.  Things like:

  • “You need to figure this out!”
  • “God doesn’t care.”
  • “Everyone else has it easy.”
  • “People are going to think we are weak or stupid.”

It’s in our moments of stress and anxiety that we need to identify practical ways to help us remember the truth!  Things like:

  • Memorizing Scripture.
  • Writing out our prayers and asking, “Are our prayers consistent with God’s Word?”
  • Sharing our thoughts with others, and inviting them to tell us when our words aren’t consistent with God’s Word.
  • Listening to worship music filled with the truth of God’s Word.

You’re Not Alone—Resources Are Available

If your family needs help with housing, food, school supplies, or emotional care, please don’t hesitate to seek our support from your school or local church.  

And if you, as a parent, are feeling overwhelmed, please know your mental health matters too. You don’t have to be strong alone.  It’s in these moments that our thoughts and emotions can be fueled by lies.  Lies about ourselves.  Lies about God.  Lies about our future.  Sometimes we will even recognize those lies, and still our mind can become hijacked by those thoughts that just aren’t true.    

If your group, school, church, or organization would benefit from a conversation about helping kids process trauma, rebuild resilience, or simply navigate hard times as a family, Holly would be honored to speak to them. Whether it’s a small group of parents or a community-wide event, she’s available to share tools, stories, and hope.  Reach out to me and I will get you in touch with her!  

Essential Parenting Truths for Today’s Struggling Families

My wife and I have worked in pastoral ministry for over 20-years.  My wife has worked in personal counseling as a Licensed Professional Counselor for 10 of those years.  A common theme in parenting we have noticed is that the pressure of parenting is at an all time high.

All the studies today on children show that children are feeling more pressure to succeed, they carry more anxiety, they struggle to know how to respond to challenges in life and the overwhelming answer for our children from parenting resources today seems to be on the parents doing more to help their children navigate these challenges.

Parents are already being asked to do the normal expectations of parents: provide a roof over their head, consistent income, clothes to wear, and food to eat.  And now the parent is being challenged to make sure their children are in the extra-curricular activities from the age of 5 if they want to be on the “team” in high school, provide tutoring for academics, expose their children to healthy eating options, ask probing and insightful questions to help children process emotions, launch a technical division in their home to be on guard against online predators, teach their children how to process their anxiety, so that children can launch into the world as well-rounded human beings.  It’s impossible!

Oh yeah, those parents are also trying to launch a successful career, build a healthy marriage, take care of their physical health, and be responsible for all the hiccups in life like flat tires, a leaking roof, and paying bills.  It’s a lot!

During the pandemic my wife and I wanted to do something productive with our time, so we went through foster-training so that we could foster a child.  Our biological children were in their teens, needing less of our time, so we took this as a growth opportunity for our family.  

Our intent was never to adopt the child but play a small part in reunification for the family.  When the social workers talked about the base level factors for reunification they said, “We are looking for 3 things in every home; roof, access to food and water, and a place to sleep.”  My wife and I thought to ourselves, “We are trying way too hard as parents!”

Don’t get me wrong.  I know roof, food, and bed are base level expectations for parenting but in my experience children are incredibly resilient.  And the best parenting experience isn’t going to be able to create a childhood for our children that enables them to avoid every traumatic experience in life.  Did you catch that? 

The best parenting on the best day isn’t going to be able to avoid every difficult challenge for our children, therefore, it seems like we could put less pressure on parents and instead encourage parents with some basic principles.  Here are a few that we have applied to our family. (If the average parent is trying to improve their parenting through books, podcasts, blogs, and personal reflection they are a great parent!)  

  1. Dad and mom put their hope in the Lord.  It’s easy to get excited when our children start to read.  We think to ourselves, “Our child might be the smartest child to ever walk the earth.”  Then our children display some quality of athleticism, attraction and the excitement for our children grows and grows but one thing is sure for all parents: our children will encounter hardship in life.  It might be emotional hardship, physical hardship or mental hardship.  It might come early, or it might start to show signs during their early twenties.  When a parent puts their hope in their children then that parent is putting their hope in shifting sand that no child is going to be able to sustain.  Rejoice in your children!  But, let us all put our hope in the Lord because it won’t be long until the limitations of our children will be exposed in their humanity and in that moment we will be looking for / needing something more secure than our children.
  2. Dad and mom are committed to one another in marriage. This isn’t a magical guarantee, but if the average child gets to see a male and female experience in the home, they are gaining an incredible opportunity that will serve them the rest of their life.  Can single-parents do a great job of raising children?  For sure!  But if you are married, or plan to get married, the best gift you can give to your child is a dad and mom committed to one another in marriage. Here’s a great resource to help strengthen your marriage!
  3. Dad and mom are committed to furthering the family.  Again, it isn’t a magical guarantee, but if the average child gets to see mom and dad working to sustain, persevere, improve, and strengthen their family unit, then they are gaining an incredible opportunity that will serve them the rest of their life.  The fact that you have read this much of this article is evidence that you are committed to furthering your family!  Rejoice!
  4. Dad and mom are in a growing relationship with God through faith in Jesus.  The concept of a person committing their life to Jesus implies this person has humbled themselves to admit they don’t have all the answers in life.  This trait alone can do more for that child than any other belief system because the parent isn’t modeling an example of someone who has it all figured out but instead the parent is modeling an example of someone who admits they need help from Jesus. That’s the gospel!
  5. Dad and mom have a grounded belief that God is sovereign in all things. I bet you are thinking, “I thought this was about parenting?”  It is!  When dad and mom are centered on some foundational areas of life, you can miss a lot of other areas of life but this one is a big one, because life is going to happen.  Jobs are going to be lost.  People are going to get sick.  Problems are going to come up.  But, when dad and mom are convinced that God is sovereign over all areas of life, even the painful parts of life, it is going to dramatically shape how dad and mom respond to those hard times and approach parenting. Here’s a great resource to help us trust the Lord in those hard seasons.  
  6. Dad and mom have a clear vision, purpose and goals for their family.  Every business has stated vision and goals for why they exist as a company.  Every family is a little company and the more parents can articulate why decisions are being made in the family the better it will be for their children to know the meaning behind the decisions that are being made as a family.  Here’s a great resource to help with personal planning.
  7. Dad and mom keep the main things the main things with parenting.  This list is the main thing.  Everything else is peripheral.  Pick a school for them to attend.  Encourage them in their hobbies and interests.  Make sure they have a roof over their head, some clothes to wear, access to food and everything else is a flip of the coin.  I can’t stress this enough.  The best attempt at parenting can still create huge deficits in parenting.  The parent who wants to make sure their child is encouraged in all areas of life might have a child that feels like their parents smothered them.  The parent who is involved in the life of their children might have a child that felt restricted.  The parent who is generous with their child might have a child that takes advantage of their generosity.  The parent who is “hands-off” in discipline might have a child that needs “hands-on.”  None of our children come with instructions and none of them are able to tell us what they need to help them become a fully functioning adult.  It doesn’t mean all the accessories don’t matter.  It just means there are too many moving parts to put too much weight into any accessory we bring into their life.  Here’s a simple guide but it’s just a guide:
    • 0-2:  CARE (We are letting them know they are loved and cared for in life.)  
    • 3-5:  CONSTRUCT (We want to provide a structure for children to thrive.)
    • 6-11:  COUNSEL (Help draw out their thoughts, emotions, and experiences.)
    • 12-18:  CONTEND (Fight for them to apply what you have learned as you prepare them to launch.) 
  8. Dad and mom trust that their children are His children, their story is His story.  Every parent is building a story for their children from the moment they are conceived.  Dad and mom are imagining graduations, parties, friends, events, weddings, romance, bike rides, vacations and some dads and moms are aware of those longings and some dads and moms aren’t aware but it is a guarantee that 100% of those longings won’t be realized.  Some of that reality will happen early in life and some of that reality might happen slowly throughout the life of the child, but at the end of the day every parent has to let go of “their story” for their children and trust in God’s story for their children.  It’s great to pray, plan and prepare but the parent must hold all those plans with an open hand and trust that the Lord will write a story that is better than what we had planned.
  9. Dad and mom are thankful for every second dad and mom get with their children. Some people never get to experience parenthood.  Parenthood isn’t a promise for every person.  Some parents only get to experience parenthood for seconds.  And some parents will get 60+ years of parenthood but the best response any parent can have is gratitude for every second.  
  10. Dad and mom must layer themselves in humility.  Dad and mom are invited to faithfully build into their children but let us not think too highly of ourselves.  Our children are not 50% dad and 50% mom.  Our children are a collection of 400 different people in their genetic system with influences that are greater than our parenting skills.  Throughout the history of Israel we see Israel received instruction from the Lord, miracles, intimacy, etc. and yet Israel turned from the Lord over and over, therefore, how much more should we not be surprised if our children will turn from our parenting at some point in life or on some level.  In Judges 5 we see a practical example of some tribes of Israel who respond to God’s invitation to spiritually wake up and follow Him, and there are some tribes of Israel who stay spiritually asleep and ignore Him, therefore, how much more are we as parents to assume the same could happen with our children. 

Bonus: What happens when our children turn from the Lord?  When a child shows a lack of interest in the Lord the parent’s natural assumption is, “What did we do wrong?”  Biblically we know it is the Lord who draws hearts.  It is the Lord who opens eyes.  It is the Lord who calls us to faith in Jesus but because a parent loves their child so much they will think to themselves, “If I would have / haven’t (fill in the blank) then maybe the child would have more interest in the Lord?”  Maybe there are things for us to learn about our parenting choices? But we can’t dwell in this area too deeply or too frequently.  Could a parent have done more?  Sure!  But ultimately it is the Lord who has to write that story of His grace in their life and as a parent, like our children, we are invited to put our trust in Him.