Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

Chapter 3:  The Validation Yoke (When Comfort Stops Helping)

Every parent eventually reaches a moment when they realize the weight they have been carrying for their child; emotionally, spiritually, financially, relationally, has become unsustainable. What starts off as wisdom for the child can start to feel like pressure on the child. What was once protection for the child now feels like a burden to the child. 

And this moment is not failure. It’s maturity of the parent-child relationship. It’s the moment the yoke must shift. Not removed. Not abandoned. But shifted from your shoulders as a parent to their shoulders as the child becomes an adult.  

But it’s easier said than done as a parent. Loving parents often struggle to release the weight of adulthood because they confuse two things: “If I let go, they might suffer.” “If they suffer, I must have failed.” But both statements are untrue.

Here’s the part no parent wants to admit but every parent eventually learns: Suffering in the life of the child is not a sign of failure in the life of the parent or the child.  Repeat that to yourself.  There’s no parenting strategy, summer camp, private school or family camping trip that can protect a child from experiencing suffering in life.

In fact, when a child begins to experience suffering, it is a sign that the yoke is finally where it belongs. The child is feeling the weight of life on their shoulders. This hardship, which is perceived as negative by parents and children, is actually a means of grace to draw our children to faith in Jesus.

Whether the reader is religious or not, the principle is universal: Growth in life requires friction. Strength comes from struggle. You cannot develop muscles without tension, faith without uncertainty, or character without consequences, therefore, our adult children cannot develop into the fullness of who they are becoming if a parent continues to carry the weight life, or even parts of the weight, that are intended for the adult child.

Most parents are going to push back on this, because most parents instinctively want to protect their children from pain. That’s natural. But there’s a subtle trap in that pursuit of protection. 

• If I push, they’ll pull away.
• If I set boundaries, they’ll withdraw.
• If I correct, they’ll shut down.
• If I share truth, they’ll think I don’t love them.

This is a yoke of fear as a parent, and it doesn’t belong to the parent. It belongs to the child. And a parent has to recognize it before they can release it.  Often times, the biggest challenge to a parent recognizing it is because parents put too much pressure on themselves to provide a “successful launch” into adulthood. 

As a parent, we think to ourselves, “I want my child to have good social skills, be able to do some laundry, budget money, navigate a romantic relationship, keep up with responsibilities, manage their health and hygiene, work a job, and take the necessary steps to prepare for college or work after high school.” It’s a lot! 

What child transitioning into adulthood wouldn’t struggle.  It isn’t realistic to not see struggle. There are going to be bumps and those bumps in the life of our children isn’t a sign of their failure or our failure as parents, but instead those bumps are a sign that those children are beginning to carry the yoke of adulthood.  That’s a win!

Most launches into adulthood look great on the outside and on Instagram, but on the inside, there are a lot of start-stop transitions into adulthood. There are bursts of growth and seasons of plateau. Maybe even regression? 

From the parent’s perspective there are going to be times of confusion, and from the child’s perspective there are going to be times of frustration. There are going to be times it looks like the child is ready to embrace adulthood. And there are going to be times when the child is going to reject adulthood because of the discomfort that comes with it. This is why the parents can’t remove that yoke or try to carry it for them. It doesn’t mean parents disappear in those moments of one step forward and two steps back, but instead we are repositioning ourselves in their lives from carrier to companion. 

This transition isn’t going to be smooth for the parents as well. As a parent we have spent 20-years pouring our heart and soul into our children. We’ve played with them, cried with them, fought for them, cheered for them, cuddled with them; it’s a great season.  

But that season is over and a new season is coming, therefore, we want to grieve what was, celebrate those memories, and begin to cast a new vision for a new season where we will make new memories and share new experiences.  

The Cost of Carrying What Isn’t Yours

When parents keep carrying weight that belongs to their adult child, four predictable outcomes appear:

1. Emotional Exhaustion
   • You become depleted.
   • Your nervous system stays in high alert.
   • You anticipate their emotional storms before they come.
2. Resentment
   • You start feeling taken advantage of, even when your child doesn’t intend it.
   • You feel like your investment is wasted.
   • Your patience shortens.
3. Defensive Parenting
   • You respond out of self-preservation instead of clarity.
   • This is when conversations turn sharp, not wise.
4. Delayed Maturity
   • Your child never develops the internal muscle needed to carry their own life.

Chapter 4 Action Step: “Transferring the Weight Where it Belongs”

Choose one specific area where you have been carrying weight for your adult child:

Examples include:

• managing their emotions
• protecting them from consequences
• supporting them financially
• reminding them of responsibilities
• rescuing them socially
• regulating their anxiety
• managing their calendar
• filling the relational gap their partner leaves

Pick only one. Then write one sentence:

This area _____________________________ belongs to them, not me. I am going to take a clear action step of ________________________________ to signal the transfer of ownership.

Examples include:

• stop reminding
• stop rescuing
• stop softening the truth
• stop covering a bill
• stop absorbing their anxiety
• stop tiptoeing around a topic

Remember, you’re not abandoning your children in these moments. You are positioning them for strength. A shifted yoke doesn’t create distance. It creates maturity.

Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

One of the most confusing parts of parenting an adult child is learning when comfort helps and when comfort backfires. Because comforting our children is good and comforting our children can heal.

But comfort can also hinder a child’s growth into adulthood. And most parents don’t know they’ve crossed that line until the relationship starts straining under the weight of it. So that the same yoke meant to help children step into adulthood can become something the parent takes on unnecessarily.  

When someone you love is anxious, exhausted, overwhelmed, or hurt, the first instinct is usually to validate, encourage and comfort.  We say things like, “I get it.” “That makes sense.” “Anyone would feel that way.”

Those sentences matter. They communicate presence. They reduce shame. They lower emotional volume. But validation alone is incomplete. Here’s what I learned: Validation calms emotions but can accidentally confirm the narrative fueling the anxiety.

Your child could hear, “You’re right to be afraid.” “Your worst-case scenario is probably true.” “Your interpretation of this situation is accurate because you’re overwhelmed.” For a young adult already living with high internal pressure, self-critique, and fear of being exposed, that kind of validation feels like relief, but it also quietly reinforces their most unstable thoughts.

The parent’s intent is comfort, but the child’s interpretation can become confirmation. And, as a result, the emotional weight doubles. This is why it is imperative for the child to take on their own yoke as an adult.  

When our children feel fear it isn’t panic it’s their perception of reality.  It is their brain focusing on short-term thinking.  It is self-protection.  It is image management.  When someone is in this mental state they usually aren’t able to hear all perspectives.  It is a loud alarm going off in their brain, “This is horrible!”

Suggestions aren’t going to usually make a dent, because “danger” is screaming at them in this emotional and mental state, so when a parent validates the emotion and the interpretation, fear gains more authority, not less.

Validation then becomes permission for the fear to keep running the show. Therefore, as a parent it puts us in a difficult place, because how are we supposed to respond in those moments?  And, also, we have a job to manage, a romantic relationship to grow, and there’s always some laundry to do!  

But, there is a difference between providing comfort and endorsing the story fear is telling our children.  We know yelling at them to calm down isn’t going to help.  I am sure we’ve all tried!  We know accepting the narrative as fact isn’t the answer either. 

Expressing Comfort That Heals

These types of responses will only lead to short-term relief, and sometimes we need short-term relief, but in this chapter, we are trying to build patterns for parenting our children into adulthood. Here are some simple steps:

Mirroring: As a parent we can acknowledge the emotion by mirroring, “I see that you are worried, scared, concerned.”  We aren’t validating the emotion but we are acknowledging the emotion.  

Tone and Breathing: W can slow the pace of the conversation by our tone and breathing in the conversation.  Stability is our strongest gift we can give to our children.  Putting a consistent roof over their head, access to food and water and adult relationships that are moderately healthy is a gift that many children will struggle to find.  Therefore, as a parent, when we take steps to be aware of our tone and breathing when our children are in an emotional and mental state of panic and fear, we are taking huge steps in parenting.  It’s really hard!  

Name it: Then, if possible, we can help our children name the fear.  It is helping our children to distinguish between the false reality inside them driving their panic and the true reality of life in that moment.  

It might be something like, “I am really mad at a friend. I am going to do horrible on a test. I don’t like my physical appearances.” Those emotions and fears are real, but at the same time the world is still spinning. Oxygen is still available.  More than likely, the sun will come out tomorrow! These types of responses aren’t dismissing the panic but prioritizing the panic.  

This interaction with your child can help them calm down.  It won’t always, but we’re not looking for perfect parenting.  We’re looking for patterns in parenting that help our children take on that yoke as an adult.  

Overtime the child can use this conversation to find clarity in the panic, and hopefully even capacity to process their emotions on their own, so that they might even see a path forward on their own.  When they start to see a path forward and find their own direction it is a win, because it is a step toward them taking on their own yoke as an adult.  

Let’s identify some challenges why these steps will be challenging for the parent:

1. Responsibilities:  Parents have so many responsibilities today!  The topics we are talking about aren’t going to protect our children from all the pain in the world, but it can be helpful in those moments when we feel stuck. Let’s not put too much pressure on ourselves as parents!
2. Savior Complex: It’s fun to rescue our children! It’s fun to be the hero! It’s fun to have all the answers. The fear we have of losing that role with our children can often become a huge challenge.  
3. Guilt / Regret:  The fear of doing something wrong as a parent is a heavy weight.  Everything we do is being made visible, and our children will likely have pictures and videos for evidence, therefore, the guilt of our children going through uncomfortable experience and not fixing it for them is very difficult.  
4. Misreading the Moment:  We don’t know as much about our children as we think we know about our children.  I know, you are thinking that sentence must apply to other parents but sometimes our children don’t know themselves, so they are simply doing / saying what they think their parents want them to do / say.  It makes it really difficult. 

How This Connects to the Yoke

A yoke is not a device of comfort. But it is also not a device of domination. It is a device of shared strength. When validation replaces development, the yoke becomes delayed. A healthy yoke requires confidence to make decisions. Clarity to see the decisions that need to be made. This isn’t something that happens overnight. 

Chapter 3 Action Step:  Name the Feeling, Reclaim the Meaning.

Here’s a simple practice you can use in real conversations with your adult child:

Name the Feeling (so they feel seen)

Use one sentence:

• “It sounds like this hit you harder than you expected.”
• “I hear how heavy this feels.”

Separate the Feeling from the Story

Ask one grounding question:

• “What’s the part you’re most afraid of right now?”
• “What do we actually know, not what we fear?”

Reframe with Calm, Not Correction

Offer one sentence of perspective:

• “Your feelings are real, but they’re not the full picture.”
• “You’re capable of handling this step-by-step.”