My wife and I have worked in pastoral ministry for over 20-years.  My wife has worked in personal counseling as a Licensed Professional Counselor for 10 of those years.  A common theme in parenting we have noticed is that the pressure of parenting is at an all time high.

All the studies today on children show that children are feeling more pressure to succeed, they carry more anxiety, they struggle to know how to respond to challenges in life and the overwhelming answer for our children from parenting resources today seems to be on the parents doing more to help their children navigate these challenges.

Parents are already being asked to do the normal expectations of parents: provide a roof over their head, consistent income, clothes to wear, and food to eat.  And now the parent is being challenged to make sure their children are in the extra-curricular activities from the age of 5 if they want to be on the “team” in high school, provide tutoring for academics, expose their children to healthy eating options, ask probing and insightful questions to help children process emotions, launch a technical division in their home to be on guard against online predators, teach their children how to process their anxiety, so that children can launch into the world as well-rounded human beings.  It’s impossible!

Oh yeah, those parents are also trying to launch a successful career, build a healthy marriage, take care of their physical health, and be responsible for all the hiccups in life like flat tires, a leaking roof, and paying bills.  It’s a lot!

During the pandemic my wife and I wanted to do something productive with our time, so we went through foster-training so that we could foster a child.  Our biological children were in their teens, needing less of our time, so we took this as a growth opportunity for our family.  

Our intent was never to adopt the child but play a small part in reunification for the family.  When the social workers talked about the base level factors for reunification they said, “We are looking for 3 things in every home; roof, access to food and water, and a place to sleep.”  My wife and I thought to ourselves, “We are trying way too hard as parents!”

Don’t get me wrong.  I know roof, food, and bed are base level expectations for parenting but in my experience children are incredibly resilient.  And the best parenting experience isn’t going to be able to create a childhood for our children that enables them to avoid every traumatic experience in life.  Did you catch that? 

The best parenting on the best day isn’t going to be able to avoid every difficult challenge for our children, therefore, it seems like we could put less pressure on parents and instead encourage parents with some basic principles.  Here are a few that we have applied to our family. (If the average parent is trying to improve their parenting through books, podcasts, blogs, and personal reflection they are a great parent!)  

1. Dad and mom put their hope in the Lord.  It’s easy to get excited when our children start to read.  We think to ourselves, “Our child might be the smartest child to ever walk the earth.”  Then our children display some quality of athleticism, attraction and the excitement for our children grows and grows but one thing is sure for all parents: our children will encounter hardship in life.  It might be emotional hardship, physical hardship or mental hardship.  It might come early, or it might start to show signs during their early twenties.  When a parent puts their hope in their children then that parent is putting their hope in shifting sand that no child is going to be able to sustain.  Rejoice in your children!  But, let us all put our hope in the Lord because it won’t be long until the limitations of our children will be exposed in their humanity and in that moment we will be looking for / needing something more secure than our children.
2. Dad and mom are committed to one another in marriage. This isn’t a magical guarantee, but if the average child gets to see a male and female experience in the home, they are gaining an incredible opportunity that will serve them the rest of their life.  Can single-parents do a great job of raising children?  For sure!  But if you are married, or plan to get married, the best gift you can give to your child is a dad and mom committed to one another in marriage. Here’s a great resource to help strengthen your marriage!
3. Dad and mom are committed to furthering the family.  Again, it isn’t a magical guarantee, but if the average child gets to see mom and dad working to sustain, persevere, improve, and strengthen their family unit, then they are gaining an incredible opportunity that will serve them the rest of their life.  The fact that you have read this much of this article is evidence that you are committed to furthering your family!  Rejoice!
4. Dad and mom are in a growing relationship with God through faith in Jesus.  The concept of a person committing their life to Jesus implies this person has humbled themselves to admit they don’t have all the answers in life.  This trait alone can do more for that child than any other belief system because the parent isn’t modeling an example of someone who has it all figured out but instead the parent is modeling an example of someone who admits they need help from Jesus. That’s the gospel!
5. Dad and mom have a grounded belief that God is sovereign in all things. I bet you are thinking, “I thought this was about parenting?”  It is!  When dad and mom are centered on some foundational areas of life, you can miss a lot of other areas of life but this one is a big one, because life is going to happen.  Jobs are going to be lost.  People are going to get sick.  Problems are going to come up.  But, when dad and mom are convinced that God is sovereign over all areas of life, even the painful parts of life, it is going to dramatically shape how dad and mom respond to those hard times and approach parenting. Here’s a great resource to help us trust the Lord in those hard seasons.  
6. Dad and mom have a clear vision, purpose and goals for their family.  Every business has stated vision and goals for why they exist as a company.  Every family is a little company and the more parents can articulate why decisions are being made in the family the better it will be for their children to know the meaning behind the decisions that are being made as a family.  Here’s a great resource to help with personal planning.
7. Dad and mom keep the main things the main things with parenting.  This list is the main thing.  Everything else is peripheral.  Pick a school for them to attend.  Encourage them in their hobbies and interests.  Make sure they have a roof over their head, some clothes to wear, access to food and everything else is a flip of the coin.  I can’t stress this enough.  The best attempt at parenting can still create huge deficits in parenting.  The parent who wants to make sure their child is encouraged in all areas of life might have a child that feels like their parents smothered them.  The parent who is involved in the life of their children might have a child that felt restricted.  The parent who is generous with their child might have a child that takes advantage of their generosity.  The parent who is “hands-off” in discipline might have a child that needs “hands-on.”  None of our children come with instructions and none of them are able to tell us what they need to help them become a fully functioning adult.  It doesn’t mean all the accessories don’t matter.  It just means there are too many moving parts to put too much weight into any accessory we bring into their life.  Here’s a simple guide but it’s just a guide:
   • 0-2:  CARE (We are letting them know they are loved and cared for in life.)  
   • 3-5:  CONSTRUCT (We want to provide a structure for children to thrive.)
   • 6-11:  COUNSEL (Help draw out their thoughts, emotions, and experiences.)
   • 12-18:  CONTEND (Fight for them to apply what you have learned as you prepare them to launch.) 
8. Dad and mom trust that their children are His children, their story is His story.  Every parent is building a story for their children from the moment they are conceived.  Dad and mom are imagining graduations, parties, friends, events, weddings, romance, bike rides, vacations and some dads and moms are aware of those longings and some dads and moms aren’t aware but it is a guarantee that 100% of those longings won’t be realized.  Some of that reality will happen early in life and some of that reality might happen slowly throughout the life of the child, but at the end of the day every parent has to let go of “their story” for their children and trust in God’s story for their children.  It’s great to pray, plan and prepare but the parent must hold all those plans with an open hand and trust that the Lord will write a story that is better than what we had planned.
9. Dad and mom are thankful for every second dad and mom get with their children. Some people never get to experience parenthood.  Parenthood isn’t a promise for every person.  Some parents only get to experience parenthood for seconds.  And some parents will get 60+ years of parenthood but the best response any parent can have is gratitude for every second.  
10. Dad and mom must layer themselves in humility.  Dad and mom are invited to faithfully build into their children but let us not think too highly of ourselves.  Our children are not 50% dad and 50% mom.  Our children are a collection of 400 different people in their genetic system with influences that are greater than our parenting skills.  Throughout the history of Israel we see Israel received instruction from the Lord, miracles, intimacy, etc. and yet Israel turned from the Lord over and over, therefore, how much more should we not be surprised if our children will turn from our parenting at some point in life or on some level.  In Judges 5 we see a practical example of some tribes of Israel who respond to God’s invitation to spiritually wake up and follow Him, and there are some tribes of Israel who stay spiritually asleep and ignore Him, therefore, how much more are we as parents to assume the same could happen with our children. 

Bonus: What happens when our children turn from the Lord?  When a child shows a lack of interest in the Lord the parent’s natural assumption is, “What did we do wrong?”  Biblically we know it is the Lord who draws hearts.  It is the Lord who opens eyes.  It is the Lord who calls us to faith in Jesus but because a parent loves their child so much they will think to themselves, “If I would have / haven’t (fill in the blank) then maybe the child would have more interest in the Lord?”  Maybe there are things for us to learn about our parenting choices? But we can’t dwell in this area too deeply or too frequently.  Could a parent have done more?  Sure!  But ultimately it is the Lord who has to write that story of His grace in their life and as a parent, like our children, we are invited to put our trust in Him.