Talking about sex within marriage?

Our desire as a church is to have strong marriages and we think if we have healthy sex lives in our marriages it will lead to strong marriages. Maybe talking about your sex life is a normal every day experience for you as a couple…great! Sometimes couples won’t talk about these kinds of things because they feel embarrassed, don’t want to hurt feelings, not sure where to start, so we want to help open some lines of communication to get the ball rolling. Consider this a starting point:


Men and women are different sexually: I know. Great insight. My wife and I use to do a lot of pre-marital counseling and it was so much fun to talk to the couples about sex before the wedding and after the wedding. We would split up the couples and I would talk to the guy and he is so excited to get married. All the plans he has for their sex life. Having sex 10 times a day. Then about 6 months after the wedding we would talk to them again and I would ask them, “How’s it going?” And they will all generally say, “It’s different then what I expected.” It’s not bad, it’s just different and men and women are different sexually.

Men: Microwaves. Generally speaking men are available for sex at any time. In the midst of conflict, after dinner, after mowing the yard it doesn’t matter. Women tend to need a little more time.

Women: Crock-pots. Generally speaking a woman’s sex drive is closely related to her heart and if her heart fills neglected then sex will be neglected.

To help increase your sex life talk about what makes fills your wives heart. What makes her feel loved? For some it is helping with the kids, some it is flowers, some it is notes, some it is talking, but if husbands can find that out it will go a long way.

Men and women have different goals: Again, generally speaking but most men and women have different goals sexually. For most women it is the tenderness and for most men it is the act. You have heard the expression that most men use romance to get sex and most women use sex to get romance. Women enjoy the before and after and the men enjoy the “during”. Women enjoy connecting emotionally and men enjoy the response, a little interaction.

Take some time to talk about your goals in your sex life. It is helpful when your husbands knows how to show that tenderness that can take place during sex. I know most of us just want our spouses to know these things, but sometimes a little conversation can go a long way. For wives it is good to talk to your husband about what he enjoys. Sometimes taking initiative, maybe being responsive, smiling every once in awhile, and not wearing a robe all the time. If your husband likes the “during part” then talk to him about what can make that part as fun as possible. If both agree, lines up with Scripture, enjoy!

Men and women have different signals: The idea is to increase sex and if you know signals then it is a good thing. How does the other spouse know what the other one is thinking? You probably already have these signals but it is good to define them. There are signals when you are interested and signals when you are not. Take some time to define the signals. When there are kids, work, schedule, then we need to all be on the same page with signals to take advantage of every opportunity.

Men and women have different past experiences: This is really people in general. Some people have had different past experiences that effect how they view sexuality today. Some of have had positive, but some have had painful experiences, and our past experiences are going to shape how we see sexuality. For some it brings up a tremendous amount of shame, guilt, grief, and as a spouse you need to be communicating and extremely sensitive. In some cases talk to a counselor to get a third party involved because those past experiences are going to shape our perception of sexuality and if we are trying to bottle it up, ignore it, suppress it, it is going to hurt the intimacy in our marriage. Jesus is aware of that past pain and we need to bring that pain to our spouses. We don’t need to give details, but we need to let them know so that it doesn’t drive a wedge in our relationship.

Now this kind of conversation doesn’t need to take place at the red light with the kids screaming in the back. It needs to be handled with care. It is an extremely painful area that we need to be sensitive with. I don’t know what your experiences are, I don’t know the pain connected with this topic, but I know that Jesus does know. Jesus knows the pain. He knows what’s in our heart. He knows where we are scared. He knows those secrete sins we have been hanging on to and He has carried those pains to the cross so that we don’t have carry it.

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