Tag Archives: children

Breaking the Myth of Perfect Parenting

My wife and I have worked in pastoral ministry for over 20-years. My wife has worked in personal counseling as a Licensed Professional Counselor for 10 of those years. A common theme in parenting we have noticed is that the pressure of parenting is at an all time high. That’s why I am so excited to read the book, “The Myth of Good Christian Parenting” by Burt and McGinnis coming out in October 2025.

If you’ve been a Christian parent for more than a week, you’ve probably felt the subtle (or not-so-subtle) pressure that if you “do it right,” your kids will turn out to be your definition of perfect little saints.

The Myth of Good Christian Parenting confronts that pressure head-on. The central premise is simple but liberating: There is no magic formula for raising “perfect” Christian kids. You can pray with them, take them to church, memorize Scripture together, and still, they may choose their own path, sometimes far from God.

That’s not a sign you failed. It’s a reminder that parenting is about faithfulness, not control. God calls us to be stewards, not puppet-masters.

Why This Matters:

As a pastor in Austin for 15 years, I’ve sat across from countless parents in my office who were quietly drowning in shame. Their adult child wasn’t walking with Jesus, and they thought it was entirely their fault. This book helps dismantle that lie.

It offers a theological reset:

God is the perfect Father—and even His kids rebelled.
Your calling is obedience, not outcome.
The Holy Spirit does the transforming work, not your parenting techniques.

Caution:

It’s possible someone could read this book and it could evoke bitterness or anger at people or resources who painted a picture of “follow these steps” with “guaranteed results.” But I would caution the reader to tread lightly in this area.

Every parent I have ever met tends to have rose-tinted glasses toward their children. Parents tend to hear what parents want to hear about any resource. The allure of finding the “secret” to parenting is a strong temptation to anyone because we love our children so much and we find great comfort in thinking our approach toward parenting is going to “work.”
Parents also tend to be reactionary. I have found, in my life and others, the majority of parental motivation is “giving our children what we didn’t receive.” It’s an admirable goal. The only problem, the hearts and mind of our children might have completely different needs than us!
Parenting styles aren’t cookie-cutter. What worked for one family might not work for another family. What worked for one child, might be the worst thing for another child. It doesn’t mean parenting is doomed to fail, but it does mean we should layer our attitude toward parenting with more generosity.
Wallow in forgiveness. Instead of wallowing in bitterness, extend forgiveness. Instead of pointing the finger, remember there’s no perfect solution other than Christ! Instead of storing up wrath, remember the Lord gave us the exact parent, child and resources at the time for our good and His glory!
Be careful not to get too excited or too discouraged about parenting. That child or parent might be doing “great” right now or “struggling” right now but in 10-years or 20-years, it might look completely different. I have seen people’s lives change for the glory of Jesus in moments, and I have seen people walk away from Jesus after decades of getting everything they wanted. Our hope is that when we are in Christ, one day we will be raised in glory. Everything else is just ups and downs for a “little while.”
Be on guard against giving up as a parent. The attitude of a parent saying “I don’t want to influence my children” might feel warm and cozy, but it is a cop out. Everything and everyone in the world is trying to engage our children, why not the people who love them the most. This doesn’t mean a parent should try to control their children, but they should definitely step into their role as a parent and try to intentionally speak into their life.
The majority of children are going to get punched in the face with their failures and flaws as they enter into adulthood. The easiest thing for them to do is point the finger at parents, because it feels like, “If they would have done this, I wouldn’t struggle with that.” It can be my parents were too involved, I felt smothered. But it can also be my parents weren’t involved, I felt like they didn’t care. Life is hard. The only perfect place to point our heart and the hearts of our children is Jesus.
Take heart! If you are parenting little ones today, there is likely a challenge coming for our children that we aren’t even aware of as parents. We have no idea what it is like to be those children. We have no idea what it is like to interpret the information they are receiving. How could any parent perfectly speak into the hearts and minds of children 10-years into the future? Therefore, our only hope is that Jesus will speak into our heart and the hearts of our children! Let’s turn our hearts and minds to rest in Him!

If you found any of this helpful, I wrote a quick encouragement in a previous post “Essential Truths for Struggling Parents.” Read through it as you have time! Other than that, remember that children and parents are just people.

Still Standing: A Night of Comedy + Life + Hope

The 5-Day Humor & Hope Challenge

Building Resilience One Laugh, One Story, One Step at a Time

Let’s be honest: life can feel like a roller coaster you didn’t want to ride.

Some of us are raising teenagers, losing loved ones, trying to keep marriages alive, or just trying to get the dog to stop chewing Amazon boxes. (Why is cardboard the forbidden fruit for a dog?)

As a pastor for 25 years, a husband for 26 years, and a dad to two grown children, I’ve learned the hard way that life isn’t about avoiding the storm. It’s about learning how to dance in it, and sometimes laugh so hard you forget it’s raining.

That’s why I created the 5-Day Humor & Hope Challenge, a simple rhythm of encouragement to help real people (like you and me) build resilience through laughter, faith, and small honest steps.

If you’re tired, burned out, or just looking for something to lighten the load, this is for you.

Day 1: Own Your Mess—Then Laugh!

Let’s stop pretending we’ve got it all together. That’s exhausting. The truth is, some of your best moments, the things that bond you to other people, are the stories you’re tempted to hide.

Like the time I had to walk my mom (who had schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s) into her facility because we couldn’t provide care for her at our house. It was horrible. It was one of those moments where you curl up on the couch in the fetal position.

There wasn’t much in life that prepared me for those days. But laughter helped carry me through it.

Scripture: “A cheerful heart is good medicine…” (Proverbs 17:22)
Action: Tell someone your funniest hard story this week. Let them laugh with you, not at you.

Day 2: Laugh WITH Your Spouse, Not AT Them

Marriage isn’t built on perfect communication or flawless date nights. It’s built on punchlines, patience, and being willing to forgive each other when you forget to cancel that Amazon order for the third time.

We’ve had seasons in our marriage where it felt like the only thing keeping us together was the mess—but laughing with your spouse is a real gift!

Scripture: “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)
Action: Think of one ridiculous memory that brought you closer. Text it to your spouse with a, “Can you believe we made it through that?”

Day 3: Give Grace to Your Family’s Weirdness

Every family is weird. Some are just better at hiding it.

But when you start giving grace instead of judgment, when you see your dad’s addiction or your mom’s mental illness through a lens of compassion, it opens the door for deeper healing and humor.

Resilience in families comes when we stop needing people to be perfect and start celebrating their progress.

Scripture: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)
Action: Say this prayer: “God, help me laugh more than I lecture today.” Then try it.

Day 4: Choose Hope When It Feels Optional

Hope isn’t passive, it’s practiced. It’s what you choose when you’ve buried people you love. It’s what you hold onto when you feel like giving up would be easier.

It’s not denial. It’s defiance against despair.

Scripture: “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” (Hebrews 6:19)
Action: Write down one hard thing you’ve made it through. Title it: “I’m still standing.” That’s your reminder.

Day 5: Share What’s Real (Not Just What’s Right)

People aren’t looking for polished faith. They’re looking for honest hope.

You don’t have to be the expert. Just be someone who’s still in it. Still praying. Still messing up. Still laughing. Still standing.

Scripture: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Action: Call or message someone and say, “Can I tell you something real?” Then do it. That’s how light gets in.

Final Thought: You’re Not Failing—You’re Building Resilience

If you made it through this blog, guess what?
You’re doing better than you think.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to keep showing up, with a little more grace, a little more grit, and maybe a little more laughter.

And if you ever need someone to remind you that God still works through broken people with Costco outfits, I’m your guy.

Essential Parenting Truths for Today’s Struggling Families

All the studies today on children show that children are feeling more pressure to succeed, they carry more anxiety, they struggle to know how to respond to challenges in life and the overwhelming answer for our children from parenting resources today seems to be on the parents doing more to help their children navigate these challenges.

Parents are already being asked to do the normal expectations of parents: provide a roof over their head, consistent income, clothes to wear, and food to eat. And now the parent is being challenged to make sure their children are in the extra-curricular activities from the age of 5 if they want to be on the “team” in high school, provide tutoring for academics, expose their children to healthy eating options, ask probing and insightful questions to help children process emotions, launch a technical division in their home to be on guard against online predators, teach their children how to process their anxiety, so that children can launch into the world as well-rounded human beings. It’s impossible!

Oh yeah, those parents are also trying to launch a successful career, build a healthy marriage, take care of their physical health, and be responsible for all the hiccups in life like flat tires, a leaking roof, and paying bills. It’s a lot!

During the pandemic my wife and I wanted to do something productive with our time, so we went through foster-training so that we could foster a child. Our biological children were in their teens, needing less of our time, so we took this as a growth opportunity for our family.

Our intent was never to adopt the child but play a small part in reunification for the family. When the social workers talked about the base level factors for reunification they said, “We are looking for 3 things in every home; roof, access to food and water, and a place to sleep.” My wife and I thought to ourselves, “We are trying way too hard as parents!”

Don’t get me wrong. I know roof, food, and bed are base level expectations for parenting but in my experience children are incredibly resilient. And the best parenting experience isn’t going to be able to create a childhood for our children that enables them to avoid every traumatic experience in life. Did you catch that?

The best parenting on the best day isn’t going to be able to avoid every difficult challenge for our children, therefore, it seems like we could put less pressure on parents and instead encourage parents with some basic principles. Here are a few that we have applied to our family. (If the average parent is trying to improve their parenting through books, podcasts, blogs, and personal reflection they are a great parent!)

Dad and mom put their hope in the Lord. It’s easy to get excited when our children start to read. We think to ourselves, “Our child might be the smartest child to ever walk the earth.” Then our children display some quality of athleticism, attraction and the excitement for our children grows and grows but one thing is sure for all parents: our children will encounter hardship in life. It might be emotional hardship, physical hardship or mental hardship. It might come early, or it might start to show signs during their early twenties. When a parent puts their hope in their children then that parent is putting their hope in shifting sand that no child is going to be able to sustain. Rejoice in your children! But, let us all put our hope in the Lord because it won’t be long until the limitations of our children will be exposed in their humanity and in that moment we will be looking for / needing something more secure than our children.
Dad and mom are committed to one another in marriage. This isn’t a magical guarantee, but if the average child gets to see a male and female experience in the home, they are gaining an incredible opportunity that will serve them the rest of their life. Can single-parents do a great job of raising children? For sure! But if you are married, or plan to get married, the best gift you can give to your child is a dad and mom committed to one another in marriage. Here’s a great resource to help strengthen your marriage!
Dad and mom are committed to furthering the family. Again, it isn’t a magical guarantee, but if the average child gets to see mom and dad working to sustain, persevere, improve, and strengthen their family unit, then they are gaining an incredible opportunity that will serve them the rest of their life. The fact that you have read this much of this article is evidence that you are committed to furthering your family! Rejoice!
Dad and mom are in a growing relationship with God through faith in Jesus. The concept of a person committing their life to Jesus implies this person has humbled themselves to admit they don’t have all the answers in life. This trait alone can do more for that child than any other belief system because the parent isn’t modeling an example of someone who has it all figured out but instead the parent is modeling an example of someone who admits they need help from Jesus. That’s the gospel!
Dad and mom have a grounded belief that God is sovereign in all things. I bet you are thinking, “I thought this was about parenting?” It is! When dad and mom are centered on some foundational areas of life, you can miss a lot of other areas of life but this one is a big one, because life is going to happen. Jobs are going to be lost. People are going to get sick. Problems are going to come up. But, when dad and mom are convinced that God is sovereign over all areas of life, even the painful parts of life, it is going to dramatically shape how dad and mom respond to those hard times and approach parenting. Here’s a great resource to help us trust the Lord in those hard seasons.
Dad and mom have a clear vision, purpose and goals for their family. Every business has stated vision and goals for why they exist as a company. Every family is a little company and the more parents can articulate why decisions are being made in the family the better it will be for their children to know the meaning behind the decisions that are being made as a family. Here’s a great resource to help with personal planning.
Dad and mom keep the main things the main things with parenting. This list is the main thing. Everything else is peripheral. Pick a school for them to attend. Encourage them in their hobbies and interests. Make sure they have a roof over their head, some clothes to wear, access to food and everything else is a flip of the coin. I can’t stress this enough. The best attempt at parenting can still create huge deficits in parenting. The parent who wants to make sure their child is encouraged in all areas of life might have a child that feels like their parents smothered them. The parent who is involved in the life of their children might have a child that felt restricted. The parent who is generous with their child might have a child that takes advantage of their generosity. The parent who is “hands-off” in discipline might have a child that needs “hands-on.” None of our children come with instructions and none of them are able to tell us what they need to help them become a fully functioning adult. It doesn’t mean all the accessories don’t matter. It just means there are too many moving parts to put too much weight into any accessory we bring into their life. Here’s a simple guide but it’s just a guide:
- 0-2: CARE (We are letting them know they are loved and cared for in life.)
- 3-5: CONSTRUCT (We want to provide a structure for children to thrive.)
- 6-11: COUNSEL (Help draw out their thoughts, emotions, and experiences.)
- 12-18: CONTEND (Fight for them to apply what you have learned as you prepare them to launch.)
Dad and mom trust that their children are His children, their story is His story. Every parent is building a story for their children from the moment they are conceived. Dad and mom are imagining graduations, parties, friends, events, weddings, romance, bike rides, vacations and some dads and moms are aware of those longings and some dads and moms aren’t aware but it is a guarantee that 100% of those longings won’t be realized. Some of that reality will happen early in life and some of that reality might happen slowly throughout the life of the child, but at the end of the day every parent has to let go of “their story” for their children and trust in God’s story for their children. It’s great to pray, plan and prepare but the parent must hold all those plans with an open hand and trust that the Lord will write a story that is better than what we had planned.
Dad and mom are thankful for every second dad and mom get with their children. Some people never get to experience parenthood. Parenthood isn’t a promise for every person. Some parents only get to experience parenthood for seconds. And some parents will get 60+ years of parenthood but the best response any parent can have is gratitude for every second.
Dad and mom must layer themselves in humility. Dad and mom are invited to faithfully build into their children but let us not think too highly of ourselves. Our children are not 50% dad and 50% mom. Our children are a collection of 400 different people in their genetic system with influences that are greater than our parenting skills. Throughout the history of Israel we see Israel received instruction from the Lord, miracles, intimacy, etc. and yet Israel turned from the Lord over and over, therefore, how much more should we not be surprised if our children will turn from our parenting at some point in life or on some level. In Judges 5 we see a practical example of some tribes of Israel who respond to God’s invitation to spiritually wake up and follow Him, and there are some tribes of Israel who stay spiritually asleep and ignore Him, therefore, how much more are we as parents to assume the same could happen with our children.

Bonus: What happens when our children turn from the Lord? When a child shows a lack of interest in the Lord the parent’s natural assumption is, “What did we do wrong?” Biblically we know it is the Lord who draws hearts. It is the Lord who opens eyes. It is the Lord who calls us to faith in Jesus but because a parent loves their child so much they will think to themselves, “If I would have / haven’t (fill in the blank) then maybe the child would have more interest in the Lord?” Maybe there are things for us to learn about our parenting choices? But we can’t dwell in this area too deeply or too frequently. Could a parent have done more? Sure! But ultimately it is the Lord who has to write that story of His grace in their life and as a parent, like our children, we are invited to put our trust in Him.

Parenting Teens with Social Media

How about those Amish? Am I right? There is no argument that social media influences people, therefore, how do parents and children interact with social media from a godly perspective? It would be easy to fall on the extremes; social media will never enter my house or be completely consumed with social media but I think God’s Word provides an answer that is a little more complicated.

The pattern throughout God’s Word is to be sent out for His glory (Matthew 28.) I understand the desire to want to buy a piece of land in the middle of nowhere and create a commune of people who will keep our children safe but we know that isn’t true or realistic for most people.

Therefore, as followers of Jesus we have to wrestle with practical decisions of how we engage the culture of our day just like Jesus did in His day. Jesus was born into a point in history, lived under the rule of a government, interacted with the culture of the day, identified Himself with an ethnicity and yet Jesus came to establish His Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven, so what does that look like for us today as we raise children and interact with social media:

What does social media look like in your life personally as a parent? How much time are you on social media? What influence does social media have on you? The more we can understand the draw and allure of social media in our own life the easier it will be to guide our children.
We never wanted to give our children the impression that we were scared of social media. Social media isn’t greater than the glory of God. Social media isn’t the forbidden fruit that our children can never see. Social media is just a device but we want to have a plan for social media.
See this as discipleship. As parents, we get to disciple our children. We get to teach them about the world. We get to show them our love for Jesus and His Word is greater than anything we will ever find on social media. Is it hard? Yeah, it’s really hard but we can either equip our children to engage technology or they will leave our house one day and the world will disciple them in technology.
Create a vision for your child’s life. Start at 18 when they launch out of the home and write down what you want them to know, capable, understand, accomplish, and then reverse engineer what you need to teach them before they launch out of your home. We re-evaluated this goal every year and it shaped how we approached their teen years. When our children reached 16-18 we were able to clearly identify, “Do these things, be responsible in these areas, you get more freedom with social media and technology.”
Give them homework to learn about social media. They will roll their eyes but we teach our children how to do laundry, how to drive cars, how to brush their teeth; why wouldn’t we teach our children about social media. See resources at the end.
Delay social media as long as possible. If your child is asking for social media at 10 push it to 12. If they start asking at 13 push it to 16. It doesn’t matter what age they start, push it out as long as possible. Our goal was for our children to not get social media until they were 16.
Delay with crumbs. Our children started asking around 10 and we said, “Yeah, maybe one day?” The next time they asked we said, “Yeah, we should talk about that.” The next time they ask, “Yeah, we need to do that.” It’s not passive. It was our plan to push them off as long as possible and then we started with baby steps. Our 14-year old daughter started with a flip phone in 2017. Yeah, she hated it. But we said, “Let’s see if you can keep up with a flip phone and in time we can upgrade.” Then we upgraded to an iPhone Touch. She didn’t like that either but at least it looked like a phone. Our son started off with an iPhone, yeah his sister was bitter, but in the beginning he could only make calls, then he could text, then he could use the web but with screen time. His freshmen of high school year he got Instagram and his sophomore year we removed screen time. Their senior year of high school we remove all oversight and want them to experience complete autonomy before we launch them into the world.
Monitor usage. Our understanding from the very beginning was that everything online was public, so we can look at your phone at any moment, which means they are responsible for the decisions they make with the phone. You can look at the search history, their timeline will show you what they like to watch, their trash to see what they deleted are just a few ways to monitor their phones. When you see something that is concerning, use it as an opportunity to draw them out and ask questions. Remember, we aren’t prohibiting social media, we are training our children how to live in a world that is full of darkness and temptation. (Also, our children, still today, have access to our phones.)
Create boundaries with social media in the home. When our children were younger they couldn’t take their phones into their room. We wouldn’t let them bring it in the car. We wouldn’t let them bring it to the table. As they get older, as they display responsibility, we allow them additional freedoms but they still can’t bring it to the table for a meal and we ask them to stay off their phones when they are in the car. Again, we give this same challenge to ourselves, and it’s hard.
Have a plan for consequences. No matter what plan you come up with there is going to be failure, therefore, taking the phone can’t be the consequence every time. Get creative. It can be running laps, doing chores, paying money, creating a do-over; but they need to see you are trying to help them learn hard lessons in life and either mom and dad can provide a little consequence or the world is going to bring a much more painful consequence.
Watch how your children interact with social media. Watch their attitude when you ask them to get offline. Watch what they look at online. Observe their attitude before and after and use those observations to have conversations with your children to help them see how social media is influencing them. At first they will say, “Social media doesn’t influence me.” But hopefully, before they launch out of our homes, they see social media’s influence.
Social media isn’t inventing new sins. Our hearts are wicked. Sin is crouching at our door to destroy us, therefore, as parents we want to teach our children how to be on guard against sin, how to see the brokenness of our souls and how to find forgiveness and strength in Jesus.
Encourage your teenagers as much as you can. You’re an adult. You see 100 things they miss, therefore, it’s really easy to focus on those 95 things they miss and overlook the 5 things they are doing really well. If they don’t believe that you are for them and are trying to help them, they really aren’t going to care what you have to say about social media.
Life isn’t just about having fun. This is a harder lesson to teach then you might imagine. We spend the first ten years of parenting telling and modeling to our children that their safety and security is our primary focus. Then, we spend the next 10 years helping them to see we won’t always be there to take care of them. It’s a difficult transition. Therefore, helping our teens to see there are responsibilities in life we need to take care of first and then we can have a little fun is a long process but we have to take care of the responsibilities first.

Lastly, if you are reading this article and you feel like it’s too late for your child! Don’t worry. It’s never too late to have this conversation with your children. Perhaps there are some habits and patterns that can be coarse corrected? Perhaps there are some conversations that need to take place?

But it’s never too late to grow in our faith in Jesus. It’s never too late to turn from darkness and turn toward the light made available in Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. It’s never too late to have a conversation with our children, so take heart, the Lord is working. Turn to Jesus and ask for His help!

Resources:

Holy Spirit. Plead for wisdom.
American Girls Social Media and the Lives of Teenagers.
Feeding the Mouth that Bites You by Kenneth Wilgus (History of teenagers in chapter 2 is helpful.)
A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Social Media by Mark Oestereicher (Chapters 4-5 are good for parents and teens to read together. Chapter 6 is good for parents.)
Screen Smart Parenting (Chapter 15 on ADHD, anxiety and how social media influences us. Chapter 16 on agreements with social media and specific ages.)
Your Identity in a Selfie World by Kristen Hatton: A short book that provides great gospel conversations over areas like comparison, body image, eating disorders, materialism, etc. (Great to read through and discuss with your teenager.)
How Children Succeed by Paul Tough
CBS: Why Can’t We Put Down Our Smartphones

What makes you look pretty?

3 Replies

I have a 5 year old daughter and she is beautiful. This morning she put on one of her dresses that we got her for Christmas. It is a summer dress, but sometimes dresses are so pretty you just can’t wait until the summer. All you have to do to turn a summer dress into a winter dress is add a long sleeve turtle neck and thick leggings and lickety-split, your summer dress becomes a winter dress! And to be fair she is a girly girl who will do anything to wear dresses.

With her new dress on, turtle neck pulled up, and leggings tight she quickly asked me, “Daddy don’t I look pretty in my new dress?” Of course you do I replied. You are beautiful. I walked across the room to her, kneeled down beside her and said, “But it isn’t your dress that makes you pretty.” Do you know what it is? “My body”, she replied. A little caught of guard to hear a little 5 year old girl already so aware of her appearances I said, “No, not your body. Do you know what it is?” She said simply, “No.” I said it’s not your dress, your body, or your hair, but it is your sweet, sweet heart that makes you pretty.

Her face lit up with a smile and she wrapped her arms around my neck really tight. I asked her, “Do you know why its your heart that makes you pretty?”

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