Tag Archives: faith

Doing stand up comedy as a follower of Jesus in Austin, TX

Followers of Jesus often face a tension when working in environments that are not shaped by Christian values. Comedy clubs, music venues, corporate settings, universities, and many other spaces raise the same question: How can someone be present in a culture without simply becoming a participant in it?

This question is especially important to me, because I work as a pastor in Austin, TX. My wife and I started the church in 2009, and at the time we had two little children, so it was easy to connect with young families in our neighborhood. By God’s grace we were able to enter into spiritual conversations with those families and for a season it resulted in men and women coming to faith and pop up bible studies. Sometimes we would have 12-15 adults in a living room looking at God’s Word with 30 kids running outside. It was wild!

Fast forward to 2024 and I did an open mic near our house at Cap City Comedy Club as a bucket list type of challenge. The experience went horrible. But for some reason, I wanted to keep trying. Eventually I started talking about being a pastor in a 3-minute comedy set, and 2 years later here I am. Usually 2-3 nights a week I will meet up with comedians and we will try to do our best at making people laugh.

But Austin, TX isn’t known for clean comedy. Austin actually has some nationally known comics in our city like Joe Rogan, Shane Gillis, Tony Hinchcliffe, and more. It isn’t exactly Nate Bargatze material on 6th on a weekend night, so what does that look like for me as a follower of Jesus?

The New Testament doesn’t call followers of Jesus to isolation, but it also doesn’t call them to blend into culture. Instead, it presents a third option known as “Faithful Presence.” Jesus entered ordinary public spaces. He ate with tax collectors, attended gatherings, and spent time with people who lived far from the religious center of society. Yet those around him consistently noticed something different about Him. His presence influenced the room rather than the room defining him.

The challenge for believers today is learning to discern whether they are participating in culture or bringing a distinct presence into culture. Several patterns can help make that distinction clearer.

1. Direction of Influence: Who’s influencing who?

A participant in culture gradually absorbs the values of the environment. Language, priorities, and assumptions begin to mirror the surrounding world. A presence in culture moves in the opposite direction. While remaining fully engaged, their posture, tone, and character introduce something different into the environment.

This doesn’t mean constant confrontation or overt religious messaging. Often it simply means that over time people notice a steadiness, humility, or integrity that stands apart from the surrounding culture. Jesus was often accused of spending time with sinners, yet the stories repeatedly show people being drawn toward change rather than Jesus being drawn into their patterns.

2. The Trajectory of One’s Work: What’s the tone of the work?

For anyone whose work involves creative expression, the work itself becomes revealing. In comedy, writing, music, or storytelling, the deeper worldview underneath the material eventually becomes visible.

When someone is a presence in culture, their work tends to humanize people. Humor exposes human weakness without celebrating cruelty. The tone may include honesty, self awareness, and humility.

When someone becomes a participant in culture, the work often begins drifting toward whatever the surrounding environment rewards most. Cynicism, degradation, or shock value can slowly become the easiest path to approval. Over time, the trajectory of the work often reveals the deeper direction of influence.

3. How Others Perceive You: Are you experiencing favor from others?

Another helpful indicator is how people within the culture describe you. A person functioning as a presence is often respected even by those who disagree with them. Others notice reliability, honesty, or a different moral center. They may not share the same beliefs, but they sense a consistency.

By contrast, someone who has become a participant in culture becomes indistinguishable from the surrounding environment. Their identity is primarily defined by the culture they inhabit rather than the deeper convictions that guide them.

4. Private Spiritual Vitality: Are you still growing in your faith?

Perhaps the clearest indicator is what happens privately. Scripture describes the life of the Spirit producing qualities such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. When someone remains rooted in these realities, their internal life continues to deepen even while they live and work in challenging environments.

5. The Role of Community: Is there willingness to receive feedback?

The New Testament consistently places believers within community. Spiritual formation rarely happens in isolation. A presence in culture remains connected to people who can ask honest questions and offer perspective. Spiritual conversations continue. Others are able to speak into both life and work.

A participant in culture gradually shifts their primary feedback loop toward the surrounding environment. Career success, audience approval, or cultural status become the dominant voices shaping decisions.

6. The Question of Motivation: Does it become a distraction?

Motivation also reveals direction. A presence in culture is often driven by a desire to understand people and serve them well. There is curiosity about the human condition and a sense of stewardship for whatever platform or opportunity exists.

A participant in culture is often driven by a desire for belonging, approval, or recognition within the environment itself. Identity becomes increasingly tied to acceptance by the culture rather than faithfulness within it. Both motivations can coexist at times, but the direction that grows stronger over time becomes revealing.

7. Long Term Fruit: Is there spiritual curiosity from others?

Jesus frequently spoke about fruit as the ultimate measure of a life. Faithful presence often produces meaningful relationships and deeper conversations over time. People come to trust the person because they experience integrity and care.

Participation without discernment tends to produce deeper immersion in the same cultural patterns. The individual may achieve success within the environment but gradually lose spiritual clarity and distinctiveness.

Longterm Goal

For me, my work as a pastor hasn’t changed. I still want to gain trust and credibility to speak into the lives of the people in my life. I pray for those people. I look for ways to encourage them and support them in their pursuits. I look for opportunities to challenge them in ways they would be receptive. I consider it a privilege to be in their life, and I want to point them to Jesus in everything.

The “sermon” isn’t that different either. On Sunday morning it is more clear that I am taking God’s Word and going verse by verse to point people to the hope we have in Jesus, but in comedy my goal is still the same. I am trying to take biblical and cultural values and package them in a way that are hopefully comedic or at least insightful, so that the people who are listening might think more deeply about those areas of life. I can’t say I have mastered this, but I am continually trying to grow in this area.

In the end, pursuing this area of life has been a lot of fun. Our church family has been really supportive. Once a quarter we have been hosting Clean Comedy Shows for our community and partnering with a local non-profit where all the donations are given to them. Our next one will be in May. You should come!

CHAPTER 5: When Closeness Feels Like Distance

Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

Chapter 3:  The Validation Yoke (When Comfort Stops Helping)

Chapter 4:  When the Yoke Must Shift

As the yoke begins to shift from the parent to the child, most parents expect one of two outcomes. Either: “This will get easier now. We raised them well. They’ll start thriving.”
Or: “Now that they’re adults, we’ll finally enjoy each other like friends.”

But for many parents, what actually happens is a different kind of weight shows up. Not the weight of responsibility. You’ve already begun transferring that. This is a different weight: The weight of closeness that doesn’t match the dream.

As children move into adulthood, you’re not carrying their schedule anymore. You’re not managing their decisions. You’re not trying to regulate their emotional weather as much. But something still presses on you.

You start thinking things you never expected to think: “Why don’t they text or call as much as we want? Do they not enjoy being with us?” “Why does it feel like they tolerate us?” “Why do they give everyone else their best energy and we get scraps?” “What did we miss?” “Was our relationship ever what we thought it was?” 

That weight has a name too. It’s the “soulmates myth.” The soulmate myth is this quiet expectation that if you parented well, the adult relationship would feel naturally warm, easy, and emotionally paired. In other words: best friends for life!

The Soulmate Myth Parents Carry Without Realizing

Most parents don’t say, “I need my kids to be my soulmates.” But many parents live as if something like that should be true. Not romantically, obviously. But emotionally the parents expected a connection, conversation, mutual enjoyment, shared humor, and the parent can expect this when adulthood arrives.  

And when it doesn’t, it feels like failure. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: Childhood closeness often came from dependence, not compatibility. When a child is small, connection is baked into life: you are their safety, you are their structure, you are their access to the world, you are their primary relationship, you are the source of food, rhythm, comfort, and identity.

That is real closeness. But it’s also a closeness formed by necessity. When adulthood arrives, necessity fades. Choice takes over. And choice exposes something many parents weren’t prepared for: Your adult child’s personality, social rhythm, relational preferences, and emotional wiring may not “pair” with yours the way you hoped.

That doesn’t mean there’s no love. It means there is a new kind of work. Not the work of carrying. The work of relating. But this transition can be shocking to parents and children. This particular yoke hurts because it attacks something deeper than parenting strategies.

It touches your sense of worth. For years, your identity wasn’t just “provider.” It was also “relational home.” You didn’t just raise a child. You built a world where love lived. So, when the adult child doesn’t seem to want that world, it feels like they’re rejecting your whole life.

But often, what they’re rejecting isn’t love. They’re rejecting the emotional role they had in that world. Because adulthood forces them to answer a question every generation answers, “Who am I if I’m not the version of myself my parents know?” That question produces distance even in healthy families. Distance doesn’t always mean your child is angry. Sometimes it means your child is trying to become a self.  That’s a good and healthy step into adulthood as they learn to carry their own yoke.  

The Closeness Parents Put on Adult Children

Here is one of the most common mistakes parents make after the children move into adulthood. They transfer responsibility, but they keep demanding closeness. Not explicitly. Subtly. Parents can say things like: “We just miss you.” “You never call.” “It would mean a lot if you made more effort.” “Why are you so distant?” “We just want the relationship we used to have.”

All of those sentences sound reasonable. But to a young adult trying to build identity, those sentences can feel like a new form of control: “You’re not meeting my emotional expectations.” “Your independence is hurting me.” “Your adulthood is a problem for me.” And then, in an ironic twist, the attempt to restore closeness becomes one of the main reason’s closeness becomes harder. Not because parents are wrong for wanting connection. But because pressure in any relationship is always going to hinder enjoyment.

One time in a conversation with one of my adult children I said to them, “You don’t have to stay connected to us.  We love you more than we love the relationship with you, therefore, if you need to create distance between us as your family, that’s okay.  We want you to do what you need to do to chase after the things you want in life.” 

It was like a lightbulb moment for our adult child.  I could even see it on her face when the words came out of my mouth.  On my end, nothing really changed.  I knew we felt that way, but it was never expressed, because we didn’t think it was necessary.  But like any adult child who loves their family, they are going to feel pressure to stay connected to their family because they don’t want to create disappointment.

But, In our relationships, we can’t demand warmth. We can’t manage affection. We can’t guilt someone into delight. That creates the very thing we fear: a relationship that feels like an obligation but overtime that will wear-down any relationship.

The Reality: Love Is Unconditional. Chemistry Is Conditional.

We can love our child deeply and still feel a mismatch in how we connect. We can be committed, faithful, generous, consistent, and still not have the closeness we expected with our children and / or a child expected with their parent.

That doesn’t make our families broken. It makes our families normal. Adult relationships don’t automatically “pair.” They are built over time, and sometimes that building takes more effort than we anticipated and goes slower than what we might see in the lives of other families.  

Human relationships, even family ones, are not mechanically guaranteed just because the people involved share DNA. Decades of developmental research (from Chess & Thomas onward) show that temperament differences are often the #1 predictor of felt closeness, more than parenting style.

  • introverted child / extroverted parent
  • sensitive child / pragmatic parent
  • highly structured parent / spontaneous child
  • achievement-driven parent / relationally-driven child

No injury is required. Just difference. And if a sibling’s temperament matches the parent more closely, the contrast becomes even clearer. The reality is some parents and children share a natural rhythm and some don’t. Some click with ease, and some take effort. Emotional chemistry between a child and parent is a gift, not a moral achievement.

In addition, cognitive style between parent and child and how they process the world also has a huge influence. If one child processes the world more intellectually and the parent processes emotionally, it is going to create relational dissonance. Both might be healthy. The parent and child just don’t harmonize. 

Then, you tie in some American Idealism with a splash of Disney and then it creates this expectation of constant closeness and “best friend” energy that was never realistic. In fact, studies show when parents give birth to a child they have a 60% chance they won’t have personality / processing similarity with their children, thus creating a disconnect in their relationship with one another.

What You Can Control in This Season

Here is what we can control: We can become the kind of presence our adult child does not have to manage. We can become the kind of presence they don’t have to perform for. We can become the kind of presence they don’t have to protect themselves from. A presence that says:

“You can be yourself around me.”

“I won’t interpret every boundary as rejection.”

“I won’t make your adulthood about my pain.”

“I will be steady even if you are inconsistent.”

“I’ll be here without hovering.”

That is the emotional environment where adult children eventually relax. And relaxed adults are more capable of warmth. As a parent, if you only have hope, you’ll become anxious and controlling, but if a parent can become content in where they are in relationship with their adult children they can begin to find hope. 

Contentment says: “This season is not proof of failure.” “This distance is not the final chapter.” “I will not live emotionally crushed by what I can’t control.”

Hope says: “Connection can grow.” “Enjoyment can return.” “Maturity takes time.” “The story is longer than this moment.”

Hope without contentment becomes pressure. Contentment without hope becomes detachment, but when we become content with our experiences as parents and the relationship we have with our children, both parties can begin to take steps forward.

Chapter 5 Action Step: Replace Pressure with Presence

Set aside ten minutes. Answer these three prompts honestly.

  • Name the soulmate expectation you’ve been carrying. Complete this sentence:
    “I assumed that by adulthood, our relationship would feel like __________________.”
  • Name how that expectation has leaked out. Complete this sentence:
    “When I feel that distance, I tend to respond by __________________.” Examples: withdrawing, lecturing, guilt, over-texting, probing, staying silent but resentful.

Choose one “presence practice” for the next 30 days. (Pick one, not five.)

  • “I will initiate one contact per week with no expectation of response.”
  • “I will stop making comments about how often they call or visit.”
  • “I will create one low-pressure invitation per month and let it sit.”
  • “I will send one affirmation that contains zero advice.”
  • “I will stop interrogating silence and start treating it as neutral.”

Write your one practice as a single sentence: For the next 30 days, I will _____________________________, so I stop placing the weight of closeness on my adult child.You’re not trying to win them back. You’re trying to remove pressure from the relationship so enjoyment can become possible again. That’s not weakness. That’s growth!

When Parents and Children Don’t Become “Soul Mates.”

I was on Tik-Tok recently, and I saw this comic strip that described this mom struggling to connect with her daughter. The comic displayed a mother and daughter living together but the two never experienced a closeness with each other. At the end of the mother’s life the mother apologized for never feeling close to the daughter and unbeknownst to the mother, the daughter felt the same way, which in some way, actually made them closer together. Maybe for the first time?

Every parent I know asks some version of the same quiet question, “Why don’t I feel relationally close to my adult children?” It’s a question that is more common than we realize. Especially when nothing harmful has happened in the relationship.

But before we answer it, we have to name the cultural air we breathe: modern American parenting assumes emotional intimacy is both normal and guaranteed. You pour in love, presence, time, and sacrifice, and the connection should feel mutual. Anything less feels like something went wrong.

But that assumption is largely shaped by Hollywood and the last 100 years of wealth in the United States that has given parents and children this expectation in the family. American culture tends to elevate relationships into idealized narratives; romance, success, individuality, and yes, parenting. That narrative inflation often creates pressure, guilt, and confusion that previous eras simply didn’t have.

Think of films like Finding Nemo and Interstellar, or the way most modern stories reshape the family dynamic into emotional destiny with one another. For most of history, the parent–child relationship was built on: responsibility, protection, guidance, apprenticeship, and community participation.

It was rarely constructed around deep emotional connection with one another. But modern American culture elevates the parent–child bond into something almost romantic. Emotional alignment is expected. Deep conversations with one another is the assumption.

The rise of the nuclear family in the 1940’s didn’t help. Families started having less children. Families became more disconnected from aunts, uncles and grandparents, so that the emotional responsibility on the parent-child relationship grew stronger. After the 1950’s the average family had more time and more resources to put pressure on this relationship. Then, in the 1970’s emotions became central to identity and parenting started to center around the child’s inner world.

And when the ideal bond in the hearts of parents and children isn’t realized, as is often the experience, the parent and the child assume this is some type of failure on their part. But there are no studies in relational development that should give us this expectation and there are no biblical promises that faithful parenting produces emotional symmetry.

Studies in Relational Development

Human relationships, even family ones, are not mechanically guaranteed just because the people involved share DNA. Decades of developmental research (from Chess & Thomas onward) show that temperament differences are often the #1 predictor of felt closeness, more than parenting style.

  • introverted child / extroverted parent
  • sensitive child / pragmatic parent
  • highly structured parent / spontaneous child
  • achievement-driven parent / relationally-driven child

No injury is required. Just difference. And if a sibling’s temperament matches the parent more closely, the contrast becomes even clearer. The reality is some parents and children share a natural rhythm and some don’t. Some click with ease, and some take effort. Emotional chemistry between a child and parent is a gift, not a moral achievement.

In addition, cognitive style between parent and child and how they process the world also has a huge influence. If one child processes the world more intellectually and the parent processes emotionally, it is going to create relational dissonance. Both might be healthy. The parent and child just don’t harmonize.

Then, you tie in some American Idealism with a splash of Disney and it creates this expectation of constant closeness and “best friend” energy that was never realistic. In fact, studies show when parents give birth to a child they have a 60% chance they won’t have personality / processing similarity with their children, thus creating a disconnect in their relationship with one another.

Biblical Perspective

Scripture gives commands about formation, instruction, protection, and modeling, but never commands a particular feeling between parent and child. In fact, Scripture presents a picture of humanity that makes uneven relational connection completely expected.

First, we often hear the phrase “mini-me” when talking about a child taking on the characteristics of a parent, but God’s Word actually teaches us that every child is made in the image of God, not a replica of the parent.

Therefore, a parent should expect their child to come with different temperament different personality, different ways of processing emotions and different ways of forming relationships.

The mistake modern parents make is assuming children are “blank slates” shaped primarily by parental love and technique. So when a parent says, “We raised our two kids the same, but one feels close and the other feels distant,” the answer isn’t failure.
It’s personhood.

Genesis 3 didn’t just break creation, it fractured relational harmony in our relationships with one another. Desire and connection became inconsistent, unpredictable, and uneven. The relational “fit” between two people is never guaranteed. Even in faithful, godly families, emotional alignment varies wildly.

A strained relationship between child and parent doesn’t mean something went wrong. It means the child is a moral agent before God with different needs, emotions, and decisions. Sometimes those relationships can be very close, and sometimes they can feel functional. None of this means something went wrong.

A parent can be faithful, wise, loving, consistent and a child can be warm and respectful toward their parents, but one or both won’t always experience deep emotional intimacy with the other.

The call of a parent is to teach their child, disciple them, provide instruction, correction, encouragement and model a relationship with Jesus. The call of a parent is never a promise of emotional closeness.

Sometimes the parent and child will experience this with one another or have seasons where they feel closer to one another, but we shouldn’t treat them as biblical requirements or moral outcomes.

Closing: Parent and child didn’t fail, they’re humans.

When a parent and child don’t “click” with one another, it doesn’t automatically point to injury or failure. It points to distinct personalities. Let’s celebrate personality differences instead of building shame about those differences. Each relationship is a gift to discover instead of a grief to lament.

The gospel reminds us that we live in a fallen world. One day Jesus will come and make all things new. Jesus has given us Himself to the parent and the child, so that our ultimate desire is in Him and not the family dynamic.

Are there going to be moments when the child or the parent will watch a movie or see a friend with deep connection between parent and child? Yes! It happens. It might even happen in the same family, but we have a Savior who works in those differences over time, prayer, patience and perseverance with one another. What a glorious bond for a child and a parent to experience with one another: It wasn’t always easy, it wasn’t always natural, but there was a love and respect for one another to keep showing up and keep trying. Isn’t that a better story?

Chapter 4: When the Yoke Must Shift

Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

Chapter 3:  The Validation Yoke (When Comfort Stops Helping)

Every parent eventually reaches a moment when they realize the weight they have been carrying for their child; emotionally, spiritually, financially, relationally, has become unsustainable. What starts off as wisdom for the child can start to feel like pressure on the child. What was once protection for the child now feels like a burden to the child. 

And this moment is not failure. It’s maturity of the parent-child relationship. It’s the moment the yoke must shift. Not removed. Not abandoned. But shifted from your shoulders as a parent to their shoulders as the child becomes an adult.  

But it’s easier said than done as a parent. Loving parents often struggle to release the weight of adulthood because they confuse two things: “If I let go, they might suffer.” “If they suffer, I must have failed.” But both statements are untrue.

Here’s the part no parent wants to admit but every parent eventually learns: Suffering in the life of the child is not a sign of failure in the life of the parent or the child.  Repeat that to yourself.  There’s no parenting strategy, summer camp, private school or family camping trip that can protect a child from experiencing suffering in life.

In fact, when a child begins to experience suffering, it is a sign that the yoke is finally where it belongs. The child is feeling the weight of life on their shoulders. This hardship, which is perceived as negative by parents and children, is actually a means of grace to draw our children to faith in Jesus.

Whether the reader is religious or not, the principle is universal: Growth in life requires friction. Strength comes from struggle. You cannot develop muscles without tension, faith without uncertainty, or character without consequences, therefore, our adult children cannot develop into the fullness of who they are becoming if a parent continues to carry the weight life, or even parts of the weight, that are intended for the adult child.

Most parents are going to push back on this, because most parents instinctively want to protect their children from pain. That’s natural. But there’s a subtle trap in that pursuit of protection. 

  • If I push, they’ll pull away.
  • If I set boundaries, they’ll withdraw.
  • If I correct, they’ll shut down.
  • If I share truth, they’ll think I don’t love them.

This is a yoke of fear as a parent, and it doesn’t belong to the parent. It belongs to the child. And a parent has to recognize it before they can release it.  Often times, the biggest challenge to a parent recognizing it is because parents put too much pressure on themselves to provide a “successful launch” into adulthood. 

As a parent, we think to ourselves, “I want my child to have good social skills, be able to do some laundry, budget money, navigate a romantic relationship, keep up with responsibilities, manage their health and hygiene, work a job, and take the necessary steps to prepare for college or work after high school.” It’s a lot! 

What child transitioning into adulthood wouldn’t struggle.  It isn’t realistic to not see struggle. There are going to be bumps and those bumps in the life of our children isn’t a sign of their failure or our failure as parents, but instead those bumps are a sign that those children are beginning to carry the yoke of adulthood.  That’s a win!

Most launches into adulthood look great on the outside and on Instagram, but on the inside, there are a lot of start-stop transitions into adulthood. There are bursts of growth and seasons of plateau. Maybe even regression? 

From the parent’s perspective there are going to be times of confusion, and from the child’s perspective there are going to be times of frustration. There are going to be times it looks like the child is ready to embrace adulthood. And there are going to be times when the child is going to reject adulthood because of the discomfort that comes with it. This is why the parents can’t remove that yoke or try to carry it for them. It doesn’t mean parents disappear in those moments of one step forward and two steps back, but instead we are repositioning ourselves in their lives from carrier to companion. 

This transition isn’t going to be smooth for the parents as well. As a parent we have spent 20-years pouring our heart and soul into our children. We’ve played with them, cried with them, fought for them, cheered for them, cuddled with them; it’s a great season.  

But that season is over and a new season is coming, therefore, we want to grieve what was, celebrate those memories, and begin to cast a new vision for a new season where we will make new memories and share new experiences.  

The Cost of Carrying What Isn’t Yours

When parents keep carrying weight that belongs to their adult child, four predictable outcomes appear:

  1. Emotional Exhaustion
    • You become depleted.
    • Your nervous system stays in high alert.
    • You anticipate their emotional storms before they come.
  2. Resentment
    • You start feeling taken advantage of, even when your child doesn’t intend it.
    • You feel like your investment is wasted.
    • Your patience shortens.
  3. Defensive Parenting
    • You respond out of self-preservation instead of clarity.
    • This is when conversations turn sharp, not wise.
  4. Delayed Maturity
    • Your child never develops the internal muscle needed to carry their own life.

Chapter 4 Action Step: “Transferring the Weight Where it Belongs”

Choose one specific area where you have been carrying weight for your adult child:

Examples include:

  • managing their emotions
  • protecting them from consequences
  • supporting them financially
  • reminding them of responsibilities
  • rescuing them socially
  • regulating their anxiety
  • managing their calendar
  • filling the relational gap their partner leaves

Pick only one. Then write one sentence:

This area _____________________________ belongs to them, not me. I am going to take a clear action step of ________________________________ to signal the transfer of ownership.

Examples include:

  • stop reminding
  • stop rescuing
  • stop softening the truth
  • stop covering a bill
  • stop absorbing their anxiety
  • stop tiptoeing around a topic

Remember, you’re not abandoning your children in these moments. You are positioning them for strength. A shifted yoke doesn’t create distance. It creates maturity.

Chapter 3:  The Validation Yoke (When Comfort Stops Helping)

Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

One of the most confusing parts of parenting an adult child is learning when comfort helps and when comfort backfires. Because comforting our children is good and comforting our children can heal.

But comfort can also hinder a child’s growth into adulthood. And most parents don’t know they’ve crossed that line until the relationship starts straining under the weight of it. So that the same yoke meant to help children step into adulthood can become something the parent takes on unnecessarily.  

When someone you love is anxious, exhausted, overwhelmed, or hurt, the first instinct is usually to validate, encourage and comfort.  We say things like, “I get it.” “That makes sense.” “Anyone would feel that way.”

Those sentences matter. They communicate presence. They reduce shame. They lower emotional volume. But validation alone is incomplete. Here’s what I learned: Validation calms emotions but can accidentally confirm the narrative fueling the anxiety.

Your child could hear, “You’re right to be afraid.” “Your worst-case scenario is probably true.” “Your interpretation of this situation is accurate because you’re overwhelmed.” For a young adult already living with high internal pressure, self-critique, and fear of being exposed, that kind of validation feels like relief, but it also quietly reinforces their most unstable thoughts.

The parent’s intent is comfort, but the child’s interpretation can become confirmation. And, as a result, the emotional weight doubles. This is why it is imperative for the child to take on their own yoke as an adult.  

When our children feel fear it isn’t panic it’s their perception of reality.  It is their brain focusing on short-term thinking.  It is self-protection.  It is image management.  When someone is in this mental state they usually aren’t able to hear all perspectives.  It is a loud alarm going off in their brain, “This is horrible!”

Suggestions aren’t going to usually make a dent, because “danger” is screaming at them in this emotional and mental state, so when a parent validates the emotion and the interpretation, fear gains more authority, not less.

Validation then becomes permission for the fear to keep running the show. Therefore, as a parent it puts us in a difficult place, because how are we supposed to respond in those moments?  And, also, we have a job to manage, a romantic relationship to grow, and there’s always some laundry to do!  

But, there is a difference between providing comfort and endorsing the story fear is telling our children.  We know yelling at them to calm down isn’t going to help.  I am sure we’ve all tried!  We know accepting the narrative as fact isn’t the answer either. 

Expressing Comfort That Heals

These types of responses will only lead to short-term relief, and sometimes we need short-term relief, but in this chapter, we are trying to build patterns for parenting our children into adulthood. Here are some simple steps:

Mirroring: As a parent we can acknowledge the emotion by mirroring, “I see that you are worried, scared, concerned.”  We aren’t validating the emotion but we are acknowledging the emotion.  

Tone and Breathing: W can slow the pace of the conversation by our tone and breathing in the conversation.  Stability is our strongest gift we can give to our children.  Putting a consistent roof over their head, access to food and water and adult relationships that are moderately healthy is a gift that many children will struggle to find.  Therefore, as a parent, when we take steps to be aware of our tone and breathing when our children are in an emotional and mental state of panic and fear, we are taking huge steps in parenting.  It’s really hard!  

Name it: Then, if possible, we can help our children name the fear.  It is helping our children to distinguish between the false reality inside them driving their panic and the true reality of life in that moment.  

It might be something like, “I am really mad at a friend. I am going to do horrible on a test. I don’t like my physical appearances.” Those emotions and fears are real, but at the same time the world is still spinning. Oxygen is still available.  More than likely, the sun will come out tomorrow! These types of responses aren’t dismissing the panic but prioritizing the panic.  

This interaction with your child can help them calm down.  It won’t always, but we’re not looking for perfect parenting.  We’re looking for patterns in parenting that help our children take on that yoke as an adult.  

Overtime the child can use this conversation to find clarity in the panic, and hopefully even capacity to process their emotions on their own, so that they might even see a path forward on their own.  When they start to see a path forward and find their own direction it is a win, because it is a step toward them taking on their own yoke as an adult.  

Let’s identify some challenges why these steps will be challenging for the parent:

  1. Responsibilities:  Parents have so many responsibilities today!  The topics we are talking about aren’t going to protect our children from all the pain in the world, but it can be helpful in those moments when we feel stuck. Let’s not put too much pressure on ourselves as parents!
  2. Savior Complex: It’s fun to rescue our children! It’s fun to be the hero! It’s fun to have all the answers. The fear we have of losing that role with our children can often become a huge challenge.  
  3. Guilt / Regret:  The fear of doing something wrong as a parent is a heavy weight.  Everything we do is being made visible, and our children will likely have pictures and videos for evidence, therefore, the guilt of our children going through uncomfortable experience and not fixing it for them is very difficult.  
  4. Misreading the Moment:  We don’t know as much about our children as we think we know about our children.  I know, you are thinking that sentence must apply to other parents but sometimes our children don’t know themselves, so they are simply doing / saying what they think their parents want them to do / say.  It makes it really difficult. 

How This Connects to the Yoke

A yoke is not a device of comfort. But it is also not a device of domination. It is a device of shared strength. When validation replaces development, the yoke becomes delayed. A healthy yoke requires confidence to make decisions. Clarity to see the decisions that need to be made. This isn’t something that happens overnight. 

Chapter 3 Action Step:  Name the Feeling, Reclaim the Meaning.

Here’s a simple practice you can use in real conversations with your adult child:

Name the Feeling (so they feel seen)

Use one sentence:

  • “It sounds like this hit you harder than you expected.”
  • “I hear how heavy this feels.”

Separate the Feeling from the Story

Ask one grounding question:

  • “What’s the part you’re most afraid of right now?”
  • “What do we actually know, not what we fear?”

Reframe with Calm, Not Correction

Offer one sentence of perspective:

  • “Your feelings are real, but they’re not the full picture.”
  • “You’re capable of handling this step-by-step.”

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

When most people think about anxiety, they picture trembling hands, shallow breathing, or emotional panic. It is but the kind of anxiety that shapes family dynamics rarely looks like that. It’s quieter. Subtler. More like a background hum than an alarm.

It shows up as:

  • overthinking
  • mood swings
  • sarcasm
  • withdrawing
  • hypervigilance
  • defensiveness
  • shutting down
  • or the inability to make even simple decisions

Anxiety, at its core, is threat perception. It’s what happens when your internal system scans the world and concludes: “I’m not safe. I’m not ready. Something is wrong.”  For many adult children today, this anxiety didn’t appear suddenly. It accumulated over time. Cultural pressure didn’t help. Social media normalized it. The expectation to “live your truth,” “find your identity,” and “build your personal brand” intensified it.

And for parents, this anxiety often became something they tried to manage for their children. Sometimes unconsciously. But, in the end, anxiety is a yoke for anyone entering into adulthood.

And if you’ve parented a child into adulthood, you’ve felt the weight of anxiety as a yoke. Even if you didn’t have language for it; any parent knows the horrible feeling of seeing your child struggle and wanting to fix the problem for them. This doesn’t mean the family is broken.  It means they are human. But over time, anxiety can begin to shape the emotional climate of the home.  

Anxious children crave validation because it lowers immediate distress.  Parents will often turn to phrases like, “I get it. That sounds awful. Anyone would feel that way.”  These responses bring quick relief to our children, and in general, those responses can be comforting but prolonged empathy can convey agreement.

When anxiety goes unexamined in the life of the child and / or the parent, the parent will stop guiding and start absorbing. They will feel responsible for the emotional weather in the home. They will adjust to avoid storms. They will walk on egg-shells around their children. They will over-help to prevent collapse. They will rescue to prevent regret. It makes sense.  It’s human.  But it can also hinder the transfer of the yoke for the child.

In the moment, anxiety might be lowered but in the long run avoiding anxiety will only increase anxiety.  It is because in those moments of “helping” it is telling the child “their fears were accurate; their ability is questionable” and they don’t get to grow through the struggle.  

This result confuses parents the most.  How can someone who doesn’t want my help also struggle when things go wrong?  How can someone resist support and also collapse without support?  How can someone be so strong-willed and fragile? A parent will think an anxious child entering into adulthood would run to their parents for support, but sometimes it’s just the opposite:

An anxious child may:

  • reject guidance
  • sabotage help
  • hide problems
  • push for autonomy
  • cling to unhealthy relationships
  • collapse behind closed doors

This isn’t rebellion. It’s fear. A yoke they’re trying to carry alone, without the strength to bear it.  This isn’t something a parent can get around in the development of their children.  It’s a normal part of maturity.  

The Yoke of Anxiety and the Yoke of Jesus

Anxious people see the world as something they must manage. Jesus invites them to see the world as something they can walk through with Him. Your child may not articulate this. They may not even believe it. But their anxiety is already telling a spiritual story:

  • “They are alone.”
  • “They must control everything.”
  • “They cannot fail.”
  • “They must protect themselves.”
  • “They can’t trust others.”

When Jesus says, “My yoke is easy,” He’s not promising a soft life. He’s promising shared weight. You are not asking your child to take on religion. You are inviting them to learn how weight is meant to be carried. And before they can learn that, the parent must learn to stop carrying what isn’t theirs to carry. That is a parent’s deepest act of love.

Chapter 2 Action Step:  Name the Anxious Pattern Without Blame

Take ten quiet minutes and answer these three prompts:

  1. In our family, anxiety usually shows up as: (Check all that apply)
  • over-explaining
  • withdrawing
  • shutting down
  • defensiveness
  • mood swings
  • avoiding decisions
  • rescuing others
  • over-helping
  • validating everything
  • walking on eggshells
  • When my adult child becomes anxious, I tend to: (Circle the one that feels most accurate.)
  • fix
  • explain
  • reassure
  • validate
  • back off
  • over-function
  • tiptoe

3. Which of these responses is actually me absorbing their weight?

This is your growth edge, not a place for shame, but for awareness. When you can name the pattern, you can stop fueling it. Because anxiety is a yoke. But it doesn’t have to be the one your family wears forever.

INTRODUCTION:  The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Introduction: The Weight You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Chapter 1: When Parenting Becomes a Load

Chapter 2:  Anxiety Is a Yoke Too

Most parents don’t think about parenting and say, “I feel crushed.” They say things like, “I’m exhausted,” “I’m confused,” or “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.” They say it quietly. Often privately. Sometimes with shame.

Because parenting today doesn’t look brutal. It looks informed. Intentional. Well-resourced. Educated. We read the books. We listened to the experts. We adjusted. We validated. We stayed emotionally present. We tried not to repeat the mistakes of our parents.

And yet, somewhere along the way, parenting began to feel heavy. Not the normal tiredness of raising kids. Not the stress of busy schedules. But a deeper weight. A kind of responsibility that presses on your chest when your adult child (20+) struggles, pulls away, makes choices you don’t understand, or seems fragile in a world that doesn’t slow down for anyone.

That weight has a name. It’s a yoke. A yoke is what you put on something meant to carry weight. It’s not a punishment. It’s a tool. It distributes load, sets direction, and makes forward movement possible.

For most modern readers, the word yoke sounds abstract, religious, symbolic, even quaint. But for most of human history, it wasn’t a metaphor at all. It was a piece of equipment you saw every day.

A yoke was a wooden beam, shaped carefully and fitted deliberately, placed across the shoulders or necks of working animals. It connected them to a plow or a cart, and often to each other. Without it, heavy work couldn’t happen. With it, weight became manageable.

In agricultural societies, yokes were familiar objects. People knew how they felt. They knew what happened when a yoke was too heavy, poorly fitted, or placed on an animal that wasn’t ready.

An ill-fitting yoke rubbed raw. A yoke taken on too early injured the animal. A yoke carried alone exhausted it. But a well-made yoke, one shaped to the animal and shared with a stronger partner, allowed steady, sustainable work. Not fast. Not flashy. But faithful.

That’s why yokes were introduced gradually. Young animals weren’t yoked immediately. They were often paired with an older, stronger animal who set the pace, absorbed uneven strain, and kept the direction straight. The younger one learned by walking alongside, not by being spared the work, but by being guided through it.

This matters, because when Jesus used the word yoke, His listeners didn’t hear poetry. They heard practicality. They thought of sore shoulders. They thought of long days. They thought of work that shaped a life. They also knew the difference between a harsh yoke and a gentle one.

So, when Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you,” He wasn’t offering escape. He was offering apprenticeship. It was an invitation to walk with me. Match my pace. Let me carry the strain you can’t yet handle. Learn how weight is meant to be borne.

That’s why the promise of rest came after the yoke, not instead of it. Rest wasn’t the absence of responsibility. It was the presence of the right partner. When we forget this, we begin to imagine that love means removing all weight, and faith means avoiding struggle. But for most of history, people knew better. They knew that life without weight doesn’t produce freedom, it produces fragility. And they knew that the goal wasn’t to eliminate the yoke, but to choose the right one.

After all, every adult carries something. The question is never whether there will be a yoke, but which one, and with whom. Most parents don’t realize this, but much of modern parenting quietly trained us to carry yokes that were never meant to be ours but our children.

As parents, we learned to carry our children’s emotional regulation, their sense of safety, their confidence, their outcomes, sometimes even their faith. And when adulthood arrived, when weight was supposed to transfer, we panicked. Not because we didn’t love our children, but because we weren’t sure what it meant to let them carry anything without abandoning them.

So, we hovered. Or rescued. Or validated every feeling. Or absorbed their anxiety as our own. Or oscillated between control and withdrawal. All of that is understandable. But none of it is sustainable.

Jesus once said something curious to people who were exhausted, burdened, and spiritually suspicious: “Come to me, all who are weary and carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you…for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

That line is often misunderstood. Jesus wasn’t offering a weightless life. He was offering a different way of carrying weight. This book is not about parenting techniques.
It’s about re-learning how weight, responsibility, love, anxiety, adulthood, and faith actually work. Because parenting breaks down when parents try to carry a yoke that was never theirs, and adulthood is more challenging when children never learn how to carry one at all.

Sharing Meals with Friends

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Meals are one of the simplest ways to make space for connection.  Something happens around a table that rarely happens in hallways, lobbies, or text threads.  And it’s all taking place while we get to eat food!  

Eating food is great.  Eating food with others is even better!  There’s something disarming about sharing a meal with someone.  Food is an immediate conversation starter.  What do you like?  Where do you go?  What are you getting?  

We live fast paced, isolated lives.  Sharing a meal with someone is a small way to bring heaven on earth!  It is a time to slow down, open up, and allow others into the interior of our lives.  

Scripture doesn’t treat meals as background noise. God consistently uses tables to gather, teach, and reveal Himself.  In the book of Exodus, we see the importance of a meal marking out the rescue Israel experienced from enslavement in Egypt.  It is a meal that is still celebrated till this day by the Jewish community, and it all revolves around food. 

In the life of Jesus, we see multiple examples of Jesus sitting down to share a meal with others.  It could have been at the wedding, in a home, or with the disciples, but it was a consistent pattern in the life of Jesus to share meals with others. 

In addition, throughout the New Testament we see God’s Word calling followers of Jesus to practice hospitality with one another.  It is enjoying the relationships in our lives and being open to new relationships.  

Sharing a meal makes it easy to transition into questions and conversations about what’s going on in other areas of life.  Can you imagine sitting across from someone and asking them about their day without food?  It would feel like an interview!  But add some chips and salsa and now everything changes.  It’s the magic of food!  

Sometimes we can get uncomfortable about inviting people into our home because we feel like our home isn’t big enough, nice enough, or let’s be honest, clean enough!  But you don’t need to be married with two kids and a 2,000 SQFT house to share a meal with someone.  This is something anyone can do!

An easy place to start sharing a meal with someone is our family.  It could be our parents, our children, or distant family members.  It might be a little more challenging if our children are younger, but really, it’s just a matter of training our children to engage in conversation.  When our children were younger we wouldn’t ask, “How was your day?”  We would ask, “What was the funniest thing that happened today?”  Sometimes, when we dropped them off at school we would even say, “Be on the lookout for the funniest thing today!”

As our children got older we would ask more complicated questions like, “Did you meet anyone new today?”  What was the hardest part of your day?  Where did you see God’s grace at work in your life today?  What are you thankful for today?

When we are connecting with friends from work or church it is great to ask questions like, “Where did you grow up?”  Do you have any siblings?  Do you get to see your family often?  What brought you to this city?  

I call them “Go 2 Questions.”  I wish I was the person that was great at being present in every situation and could ask questions off the top of my head, but I need a road-map.  I try to come up with 4-5 questions around every meal to help guide the conversation.  I might not get through all the questions.  I am hoping for questions to branch out as we get started, but it helps to calm my nerves to have a conversation map to follow.  

When we are connecting with older adults in our family it is easy to drift toward questions like, “Are you okay?”  Do you need anything?  Those questions are important, but I find it enjoyable to talk about their areas of interest, what’s shaped them over the years, or stories of how they grew up.  The delight you see in their face when their eyes light up with an opportunity to talk about a heartfelt memory.  It’s a lot of fun! 

The best part of getting to know someone over a meal is that you get a 10,000-foot view of someone’s life.  It would be impossible for someone to share their whole story, but in those moments, you get to see how God’s hand is moving over the life of someone.  It’s pretty special!  

After sharing a meal with someone it is great to write down any key events or details that were shared so you can pray for those people.  It can be something simple like, “Job, doctor visit, personal goal, etc.”  It is a great way to start building deeper friendships with others.  

Try one intentional meal this week!  Take a moment and prayerfully consider friends and family in your life.  You can start with a family member, or you can grab lunch with a co-worker.  The key is to begin the spiritual discipline of building new relationships in your life for His glory! 

Finding Freedom in Submission: Lessons from 1 Peter 2

We live in a time when the word authority feels like a bad word. Whether it’s government, corporations, or even churches, trust has eroded. Many people wonder, “Should we really be listening to these institutions anymore?”

Our culture celebrates resistance. We love movies like The Hunger Games or V for Vendetta, and songs like This Is America. They resonate because we all feel the pull to push back. So when the Bible tells us to “submit to every human institution” (1 Peter 2:13), it can sound outdated or even offensive. But Peter’s words are far from irrelevant. They’re revolutionary!

Why Submission Still Matters

Peter wrote these words under the rule of Emperor Nero, one of history’s most oppressive leaders. He had seen Jesus crucified under an unjust government and had been imprisoned himself. Yet, he still calls believers to submit. Why?

Because biblical submission isn’t weakness. It’s order. The word literally means “to arrange under.” It’s about choosing, by faith, to live within the structure God has established for human life.

Think about it:

  • Musicians submit to musical theory to create harmony.
  • Athletes submit to rules so the game makes sense.
  • Drivers submit to traffic laws so we can all get home safely.

Submission doesn’t destroy freedom, it creates peace.

The Limits of Submission

Of course, the Bible never calls us to blind obedience. Scripture is clear: submission should never lead to sin or go against God’s Word. No authority is perfect except Jesus. Still, God uses authority to bring order to a chaotic world. Romans 13 reminds us that “all authority is established by God,” even when those in authority are flawed.

That truth is hard to swallow when leaders fail, bosses take advantage, or systems feel unjust. But Peter offers perspective: we don’t submit because they’re perfect. We submit because He is worthy.

That’s why God’s Word introduces the idea of a “bond-slave.”  A “bond-slave” was a man or woman who willingly committed themselves to the estate out of loyalty and commitment to the estate.  

This might not resonate with us as Americans because we don’t think of ourselves as slaves.  We’re American.  We’re free!  But not really!  We have to make money.  We have to pay taxes.  We have to wear clothes.  We have social expectations to shake hands, greet one another.  

And within each of those areas there’s 100 different opinions about where you make money, how you make money, what you do with that money, and where you live, what brands you buy, and what kind of car you drive.  It’s exhausting!

But, Jesus has come to set us free!  Through faith in Jesus we don’t have 1,000 masters.  We have One master!  And we don’t follow out of compulsion, but willingly, so that biblical submission doesn’t seek to remove freedom but bring freedom.

When we experience conflict in friendship, we only have One Master to answer. When our family is experiencing challenging conversations around politics, we only have One Master to be concerned. When we find ourselves involved in difficult topics like immigration we see God’s Word providing direction on how to navigate those conversations.

The Freedom of Surrender

Peter closes with this reminder: “He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross… by His wounds you were healed” (2:24). True freedom doesn’t come from rejecting authority, it comes from submitting to the right One. Jesus frees us from the tyranny of 1,000 masters (money, success, approval) so we can serve one Great Shepherd.

Living as People of Peace

The easiest thing today is to be cynical. It’s easy to point out what’s wrong and walk away. But what if the Holy Spirit is showing you what’s broken as an invitation to help fix it? What if instead of complaining, we planted seeds of trust, faith, and service?

Like a farmer who keeps planting through storms, we keep doing good, trusting that in due time, God will bring a harvest. Because submission, in the end, isn’t about losing control. It’s about gaining peace.

“Honor all people, love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the king.”
— 1 Peter 2:17

Where “The Phantom Tollbooth” Trips Over Its Own Story

Norton Juster’s The Phantom Tollbooth is a classic. It’s whimsical, sharp, and dripping with creative brilliance. But if you’re the kind of person who likes to dig deeper, theologically or philosophically, you start to notice that there are a few places where the story doesn’t quite hold together. Here are three big incongruences that stand out, and what they reveal.

Wonder Without a Foundation

At the beginning of the story, Milo is bored and disinterested. By the end, everything is magical and full of purpose. On the surface, it’s a beautiful arc, but here’s the problem: nothing external actually changes. Milo’s “new world” is just a shift in perspective, and while that’s inspiring, it’s also hollow. If wonder is only based on a feeling, what happens the next time Milo wakes up bored?

Feelings are great, but feelings also change, therefore, the reader has to ask the question, “Without an anchor for meaning, something outside of herself or himself, where does a person find something more stable than feelings?” I love “wonder” but “wonder” alone is temporary at best.

The Rhyme and Reason Dilemma

The whole plot revolves around restoring Rhyme and Reason to the kingdom, which I appreciated. Once they’re back from their journey, everything is balanced again. But pause for a second: why were they exiled in the first place? And why does their mere return magically fix a broken kingdom?

The story never digs into those questions. It wants the satisfaction of resolution without the complexity of wrestling with why wisdom was lost, or what sustains it in the long run. It’s like patching a leaky roof with duct tape: it works for now, but it won’t hold when the next storm of life rolls in on someone.

In short, you could make the argument that this book could do spiritual harm to someone, which is what the authors are trying to avoid. It’s great to ask questions but simply fanning the flame of deconstruction could lead a person to a place of confusion. How’s that helpful?

Growth Without Real Community

Milo matures throughout his journey, no doubt about it. He goes from apathetic to engaged, passive to proactive, which is great! But he mostly does this alone as an individual. Sure, there’s Tock and the Humbug tagging along, but the story doesn’t show deep, transformative community shaping Milo.

In real life, and certainly in a biblical framework, real transformation usually happens with people, in relationship, through accountability and shared experience. Milo grows in isolation, which makes for a clean narrative but a shallow reality.

Why These Gaps Matter

None of these incongruences ruin the book, far from it. In fact, they make it a great conversation starter. They reveal that while The Phantom Tollbooth offers brilliant observations about curiosity, courage, and wonder, it struggles to ground those truths in something unchanging. That’s where a biblical worldview shines: it takes the good questions the story raises and points to a better answer — one rooted in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.

What do you think? Where have you noticed moments in The Phantom Tollbooth that feel a little thin? Or are these the very things that make the book such a timeless read?

Breaking the Myth of Perfect Parenting

My wife and I have worked in pastoral ministry for over 20-years.  My wife has worked in personal counseling as a Licensed Professional Counselor for 10 of those years.  A common theme in parenting we have noticed is that the pressure of parenting is at an all time high. That’s why I am so excited to read the book, “The Myth of Good Christian Parenting” by Burt and McGinnis coming out in October 2025.

If you’ve been a Christian parent for more than a week, you’ve probably felt the subtle (or not-so-subtle) pressure that if you “do it right,” your kids will turn out to be your definition of perfect little saints.

The Myth of Good Christian Parenting confronts that pressure head-on. The central premise is simple but liberating: There is no magic formula for raising “perfect” Christian kids. You can pray with them, take them to church, memorize Scripture together, and still, they may choose their own path, sometimes far from God.

That’s not a sign you failed. It’s a reminder that parenting is about faithfulness, not control. God calls us to be stewards, not puppet-masters.

Why This Matters:

As a pastor in Austin for 15 years, I’ve sat across from countless parents in my office who were quietly drowning in shame. Their adult child wasn’t walking with Jesus, and they thought it was entirely their fault. This book helps dismantle that lie.

It offers a theological reset:

  • God is the perfect Father—and even His kids rebelled.
  • Your calling is obedience, not outcome.
  • The Holy Spirit does the transforming work, not your parenting techniques.

Caution:

It’s possible someone could read this book and it could evoke bitterness or anger at people or resources who painted a picture of “follow these steps” with “guaranteed results.” But I would caution the reader to tread lightly in this area.

  1. Every parent I have ever met tends to have rose-tinted glasses toward their children. Parents tend to hear what parents want to hear about any resource. The allure of finding the “secret” to parenting is a strong temptation to anyone because we love our children so much and we find great comfort in thinking our approach toward parenting is going to “work.”
  2. Parents also tend to be reactionary. I have found, in my life and others, the majority of parental motivation is “giving our children what we didn’t receive.” It’s an admirable goal. The only problem, the hearts and mind of our children might have completely different needs than us!
  3. Parenting styles aren’t cookie-cutter. What worked for one family might not work for another family. What worked for one child, might be the worst thing for another child. It doesn’t mean parenting is doomed to fail, but it does mean we should layer our attitude toward parenting with more generosity.
  4. Wallow in forgiveness. Instead of wallowing in bitterness, extend forgiveness. Instead of pointing the finger, remember there’s no perfect solution other than Christ! Instead of storing up wrath, remember the Lord gave us the exact parent, child and resources at the time for our good and His glory!
  5. Be careful not to get too excited or too discouraged about parenting. That child or parent might be doing “great” right now or “struggling” right now but in 10-years or 20-years, it might look completely different. I have seen people’s lives change for the glory of Jesus in moments, and I have seen people walk away from Jesus after decades of getting everything they wanted. Our hope is that when we are in Christ, one day we will be raised in glory. Everything else is just ups and downs for a “little while.”
  6. Be on guard against giving up as a parent. The attitude of a parent saying “I don’t want to influence my children” might feel warm and cozy, but it is a cop out. Everything and everyone in the world is trying to engage our children, why not the people who love them the most. This doesn’t mean a parent should try to control their children, but they should definitely step into their role as a parent and try to intentionally speak into their life.
  7. The majority of children are going to get punched in the face with their failures and flaws as they enter into adulthood. The easiest thing for them to do is point the finger at parents, because it feels like, “If they would have done this, I wouldn’t struggle with that.” It can be my parents were too involved, I felt smothered. But it can also be my parents weren’t involved, I felt like they didn’t care. Life is hard. The only perfect place to point our heart and the hearts of our children is Jesus.
  8. Take heart! If you are parenting little ones today, there is likely a challenge coming for our children that we aren’t even aware of as parents. We have no idea what it is like to be those children. We have no idea what it is like to interpret the information they are receiving. How could any parent perfectly speak into the hearts and minds of children 10-years into the future? Therefore, our only hope is that Jesus will speak into our heart and the hearts of our children! Let’s turn our hearts and minds to rest in Him!

If you found any of this helpful, I wrote a quick encouragement in a previous post “Essential Truths for Struggling Parents.” Read through it as you have time! Other than that, remember that children and parents are just people.

Embrace Ownership at North Village Church: A Guide

Owning the vision of North Village Church makes all the difference!  Owning the vision means every person sees the church’s purpose as their personal responsibility, not just a support system for someone else’s vision.

What does it look like to develop an “owners’ mindset?”

What’s the Difference?

Helper MindsetOwner Mindset
“Let me know what you need.”                  “Here’s something I can do to move us forward.”
“That’s pastor’s / staff’s job.”                  “This is our mission—and I’ve got a role in it.”
“I help when it works for me.”                  “I show up with consistency and commitment.”
“I’m here to receive.”                  “I’m here to invest—my time, energy, and heart.”
“I notice problems.”                  “I bring solutions with grace and initiative.”
“This is a church.”                “This is my church.”

How to Live as an Owner

1.    Show Up Like It’s Your Living Room

Welcome others like you’re hosting them in your own space. Look for the new. Smile. Initiate.

2.    Speak Life and Vision

Talk about the church like it’s yours. Encourage others. Protect the unity. Avoid gossip.

3.    Take Ownership of Your Spiritual Growth

Don’t wait to be spoon-fed. Dig into Scripture. Ask questions. Be discipled, and disciple others.

4.    Pitch In Without Needing a Title

See a problem? Fix a problem. Owners take initiative, whether it’s picking up trash or praying for someone.

5.    Pray Boldly for the Vision

Learn the vision.  Own the vision.  Pray as someone who’s locked in, not locked out. Ask God to move through us, not just some people.

Reflection Questions

  • What would change if I saw this church as my responsibility?
  • Where am I waiting for permission instead of walking in purpose?
  • Who am I intentionally building up here?
  • What do I bring to the mission God has given us?

Engaging in Immigration Conversations with Compassion

What do you do in those moments when you are at work or a family gathering, and someone makes a reference toward a cultural / political event? Fight or flight or freeze? One of those cultural conversations right now is around immigration, and now more than ever we need to be learning how to lean into those conversations instead of avoid.

As a follower of Jesus, immigration isn’t just a political issue, it’s a people issue. It’s also deeply theological. And as someone who believes the gospel shapes every corner of life, including how we talk about borders and belonging—I’ve been asking, How do I speak about immigration in a way that’s faithful to Scripture and neighborly in spirit?

Especially in a place like Austin, a city that prides itself on being inclusive, justice-oriented, and wonderfully weird, the way we engage matters just as much as what we say, therefore, I wanted to provide some encouragement when we find ourselves in those conversations.

Let me offer some reflections on how we can enter this conversation winsomely: with truth, compassion, and humility.

Start with Stories, Not Soundbites

Most people have an immigration story, whether it’s their great-grandparents who came through Ellis Island or a neighbor who crossed a desert last year. Stories have a way of softening walls that data and debate only harden.

I recently met a man whose journey to the U.S. took over a year, and the process for him to get citizenship in the United States took over 10 years! But the real story wasn’t how far he traveled, it was why.

He had been manipulated by people in his country that told him they had created a way for him to get into the country legally, and it was expensive! Him and his family gave them so much money, only to find out the process was to sneak him into the country.

When we begin with real people, we remind everyone that immigration isn’t just a policy issue. It’s a person issue.

Root the Conversation in Shared Values

As a follower of Jesus, I start with this: every person is made in the image of God. That’s non-negotiable. And because of that, I’m called to care to care about others and extend compassion toward those who are hurting or struggling.

At the same time, I also believe in the importance of order, justice, and systems that work. That doesn’t make me cold-hearted. It means I care about both compassion and structure, and I don’t believe we have to choose one or the other.

That’s the tension many of us feel: How do we love our neighbor and respect our nation’s laws? That’s a holy tension, not a political problem.

Understanding Austin’s Heartbeat

Austin, where I’ve planted roots, is a city of contrasts. It’s progressive, but still deeply Texan. It values independence, but also community. It welcomes everyone, while being a fairly divided city ethnically and economically.

Here’s where I find common ground:

  • Austin values about justice — and, as a follower of Jesus, so do I.
  • Austin values diversity — and, as a follower of Jesus, so does the kingdom of God.
  • Austin believes in local action over national gridlock — and the Church has always been a grassroots movement.

But there are also tensions:

  • Austin often resists institutional voices, and as a pastor, I get lumped into that category.
  • The city prefers nuance over certainty, and my biblical convictions can sound too rigid if I’m not careful with tone.
  • Some reject the idea of borders altogether, while I believe in the value of lawfully ordered immigration.

Knowing these dynamics helps me approach conversations with humility, not just truth.

How to Talk About Immigration Without Starting a Fire

Here are a few ways I’ve learned to engage the conversation, especially with neighbors, coworkers, or congregants:

  • Ask better questions:
    “What’s your family’s immigration story?” “What challenges does Austin experience because of immigration?” “How do you think a city like Austin benefits from immigration?” “What would a just system look like to you?”
  • Name the tension:
    “I feel caught between the heartbreak of broken systems and the need for secure borders. But I want to be someone who listens more than lectures.”
  • Focus on people, not politics:
    We can disagree on policy and still agree that every person deserves dignity.

The Church’s Role in a Time of Division

The early church was full of immigrants, refugees, outcasts, and people who didn’t “belong.” Paul says in Ephesians 2:19, “You are no longer strangers and aliens, but fellow citizens with God’s people and members of His household.” That’s the kind of community we’re called to build.

The gospel doesn’t erase borders, but it does erase hostility.

What would happen if we, regardless of political leanings, followers of Jesus became known for welcoming the outsider, respecting rules and laws, advocating for justice, and treating every person as someone Jesus died for? Sure, it’s a lofty goal but that’s the opportunity for the local church in this conversation today.

A Path Forward

Let’s not settle for the shouting match. Let’s become porch people, not just protesting people. Let’s build conversations and learn from one another. Let’s lean into conversations instead of avoiding topics. And let’s trust that the God who watches over nations also sees every individual soul.

If you’d like to explore ways to serve immigrants in Austin, we have a group of people from the Ukraine who meet regularly in our building and a church from Nepal who gather in worship on Sunday afternoon’s. These are great people and great ways to get a front row view into their experience.

Still Standing: A Night of Comedy + Life + Hope

The 5-Day Humor & Hope Challenge

Building Resilience One Laugh, One Story, One Step at a Time

Let’s be honest: life can feel like a roller coaster you didn’t want to ride.

Some of us are raising teenagers, losing loved ones, trying to keep marriages alive, or just trying to get the dog to stop chewing Amazon boxes. (Why is cardboard the forbidden fruit for a dog?)

As a pastor for 25 years, a husband for 26 years, and a dad to two grown children, I’ve learned the hard way that life isn’t about avoiding the storm. It’s about learning how to dance in it, and sometimes laugh so hard you forget it’s raining.

That’s why I created the 5-Day Humor & Hope Challenge, a simple rhythm of encouragement to help real people (like you and me) build resilience through laughter, faith, and small honest steps.

If you’re tired, burned out, or just looking for something to lighten the load, this is for you.

Day 1: Own Your Mess—Then Laugh!

Let’s stop pretending we’ve got it all together. That’s exhausting. The truth is, some of your best moments, the things that bond you to other people, are the stories you’re tempted to hide.

Like the time I had to walk my mom (who had schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s) into her facility because we couldn’t provide care for her at our house. It was horrible. It was one of those moments where you curl up on the couch in the fetal position.

There wasn’t much in life that prepared me for those days. But laughter helped carry me through it.

Scripture: “A cheerful heart is good medicine…” (Proverbs 17:22)
Action: Tell someone your funniest hard story this week. Let them laugh with you, not at you.

Day 2: Laugh WITH Your Spouse, Not AT Them

Marriage isn’t built on perfect communication or flawless date nights. It’s built on punchlines, patience, and being willing to forgive each other when you forget to cancel that Amazon order for the third time.

We’ve had seasons in our marriage where it felt like the only thing keeping us together was the mess—but laughing with your spouse is a real gift!

Scripture: “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)
Action: Think of one ridiculous memory that brought you closer. Text it to your spouse with a, “Can you believe we made it through that?”

Day 3: Give Grace to Your Family’s Weirdness

Every family is weird. Some are just better at hiding it.

But when you start giving grace instead of judgment, when you see your dad’s addiction or your mom’s mental illness through a lens of compassion, it opens the door for deeper healing and humor.

Resilience in families comes when we stop needing people to be perfect and start celebrating their progress.

Scripture: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)
Action: Say this prayer: “God, help me laugh more than I lecture today.” Then try it.

Day 4: Choose Hope When It Feels Optional

Hope isn’t passive, it’s practiced. It’s what you choose when you’ve buried people you love. It’s what you hold onto when you feel like giving up would be easier.

It’s not denial. It’s defiance against despair.

Scripture: “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” (Hebrews 6:19)
Action: Write down one hard thing you’ve made it through. Title it: “I’m still standing.” That’s your reminder.

Day 5: Share What’s Real (Not Just What’s Right)

People aren’t looking for polished faith. They’re looking for honest hope.

You don’t have to be the expert. Just be someone who’s still in it. Still praying. Still messing up. Still laughing. Still standing.

Scripture: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Action: Call or message someone and say, “Can I tell you something real?” Then do it. That’s how light gets in.

Final Thought: You’re Not Failing—You’re Building Resilience

If you made it through this blog, guess what?
You’re doing better than you think.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to keep showing up, with a little more grace, a little more grit, and maybe a little more laughter.

And if you ever need someone to remind you that God still works through broken people with Costco outfits, I’m your guy.

Navigating Anxious Thoughts After the Hill Country Floods – What Families Need to Know

Our family has lived in the hill country for over 20-years.  We’ve seen summers without any rain.  Specifically, in 2011 the days were so hot and dry the city council of Austin issued a mandate for the city to pray for rain!  

You can imagine our surprise in 2025 when it rained so much that rivers flooded, dams broke, and we experienced some of the greatest pain in the Hill Country that we have experienced in decades.  

In those early morning hours, the Hill Country community was hit with devastating floods that disrupted homes, schools, and everyday life. In moments like these, families face not just the physical aftermath, but also the emotional ripple effects that follow, especially for our children. 

You can also imagine the anxious thoughts everyone is experiencing right now.  How does someone move forward after experiencing so much tragedy?  How does a family decide to send their child to a summer camp again after something so tragic?  How does a person not get these rushed feelings of panic every time it rains?  How do we not just stay busy to stay distracted?

I had the opportunity to sit down with my wife, a Licensed Professional Counselor, who serves students and their families in the Hill Country area, and she has had a front row experience with these questions and here are a few things she recommended:

Acknowledge the Impact

First and foremost, let people know they are seen. This has been a traumatic, overwhelming time for many. If your family is hurting, displaced, or unsure of what comes next, please know you are not alone, and your feeling is valid.

Emotional Reactions Are Normal

Children may not have the words to describe what they’re feeling, but they’re processing the loss and fear in their own way.  Unfortunately, most children in the Hill Country have been affected by these floods or know someone who was affected.  

Some children may act out, others may withdraw. Some may suddenly cling to you, have nightmares, or feel anxious about the weather. These responses are not signs of something “wrong.” They’re signs of something real.

As parents and caregivers, your calm presence and listening ear matter more than perfect answers. Simply acknowledging your child’s feelings, “That was really scary, wasn’t it?,”can help them feel safe and understood.

Rebuild Routine Where You Can

One of the best things you can do for your child in this season is to restore rhythm where possible. Whether it’s consistent mealtimes, bedtime routines, or walking them to school, familiar patterns offer emotional stability when the world feels uncertain.

When I was speaking to a family about one of their children possibly going to summer camp this year I validated those feelings.  Summer camp is a wonderful opportunity for children.  Then, I encouraged the parents to simply ask their children, “Do they want to go to summer camp?”  Different children are going to respond to this tragedy in different ways.  

Talk Honestly—but Gently

Kids don’t need every detail, but they do need honest reassurance. Let them know the adults around them are working hard to keep them safe. Use age-appropriate language to answer their questions and remind them that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or scared.

Watch for Ongoing Signs of Stress

In the weeks ahead, watch for ongoing signs of trauma: trouble sleeping, appetite changes, withdrawal from friends, or constant worrying. These may be signs your child needs more support—and that’s okay. There is help, and healing is possible.

Remember, life is loud, and when life is really loud, sometimes we can forget some of the true promises that we have held onto for so long.  Stress makes us forget and question, we aren’t thinking clearly in times of stress.  We can forget God’s truth.  We can forget God’s character.  We can forget God’s promises.  We can start to lose sight of who we are also!  

And sometimes, when we go through all that forgetting we can latch on to stories and ideas that aren’t true.  Things like:

  • “You need to figure this out!”
  • “God doesn’t care.”
  • “Everyone else has it easy.”
  • “People are going to think we are weak or stupid.”

It’s in our moments of stress and anxiety that we need to identify practical ways to help us remember the truth!  Things like:

  • Memorizing Scripture.
  • Writing out our prayers and asking, “Are our prayers consistent with God’s Word?”
  • Sharing our thoughts with others, and inviting them to tell us when our words aren’t consistent with God’s Word.
  • Listening to worship music filled with the truth of God’s Word.

You’re Not Alone—Resources Are Available

If your family needs help with housing, food, school supplies, or emotional care, please don’t hesitate to seek our support from your school or local church.  

And if you, as a parent, are feeling overwhelmed, please know your mental health matters too. You don’t have to be strong alone.  It’s in these moments that our thoughts and emotions can be fueled by lies.  Lies about ourselves.  Lies about God.  Lies about our future.  Sometimes we will even recognize those lies, and still our mind can become hijacked by those thoughts that just aren’t true.    

If your group, school, church, or organization would benefit from a conversation about helping kids process trauma, rebuild resilience, or simply navigate hard times as a family, Holly would be honored to speak to them. Whether it’s a small group of parents or a community-wide event, she’s available to share tools, stories, and hope.  Reach out to me and I will get you in touch with her!