Tag Archives: fear

The Longing to be Known

There is something in us that wants to be seen, known and understood. We want someone who notices when something is wrong before we have to explain it. The comfortable feeling of not having to try to impress others. And, the longing for someone to understand our quirks.  A person who has seen our worst, and somehow still wants to be around us.

Isn’t that one of the things we love about a great friendship or marriage? And yet, at the same time, we spend an incredible amount of energy making sure people don’t know too much about us. 

We tend to tell the parts of our story that make us look the way we want others to see us. When people ask, “How are you doing?” We give generic answers like, “Great!” Honestly, who knows if we’re great. It doesn’t matter. It’s just this tension inside of us wanting to be known and at the same time keeping people at a distance.

WE WERE CREATED TO BE KNOWN

The opening chapters of Genesis describe something that is almost difficult for us to imagine. Genesis 2:25 says:

“And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”

Obviously, the verse is describing physical nakedness, but there’s something bigger happening. It’s a relationship where there is nothing to hide. A relationship without shame or pretending. No wondering, “If you knew this about me, would you still love me?” They are completely exposed and completely safe.

That’s the kind of relationship humanity was created to experience, one with God and with others. But then Genesis 3 enters into the story. Humanity decides we want God’s creation without God’s authority. Adam and Eve reject God, and sin fractures everything God created to be good.

AND THEN WE START HIDING

Immediately after Adam and Eve eat the fruit, Genesis says: “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked.” And what do they do? They cover themselves with fig leaves. Then when they hear God walking in the garden, they hide.

Before sin, naked and unashamed. After sin, cover and hide. Nothing about the human body changed between Genesis 2 and Genesis 3, but something changed inside of them. For the first time, humanity experiences shame and fear, and we’ve been covering ourselves ever since. 

Today, we just have better fig leaves. We can cover ourselves with success, romance, money, accomplishment, or even the image we present to other people. Shopping and entertainment can become ways to distract ourselves from things we’d rather not face.

Even religion can become a modern-day fig leaf. We can learn to say the right things, make the right choices, and present ourselves in a way that keeps anyone from looking too closely. The fig leaves have changed, but the instinct hasn’t. We still want to cover the parts of ourselves we’re afraid for others to see.

AND THEN GOD SHOWS UP

One of my favorite moments in Genesis 3 happens immediately after Adam and Eve hide. God calls out to Adam: “Where are you?” Obviously, God isn’t wandering around the garden wondering where Adam went. He knows. That’s what makes the question so powerful. Adam is hiding from Someone who already knows where he is, and God still moves toward him.

This is why Jesus is so important. When Jesus arrives, He knows our souls are longing to be known. In John 4, Jesus meets a woman at a well. She has a complicated story. Jesus knows it. He knows about her past. He knows the parts of her story she probably wouldn’t lead with when meeting someone new. And yet Jesus sits down and talks with her.

That’s what makes Jesus so different. Most of us think: If you really knew me, you might not love me. Jesus reverses that fear. He already knows us, and He moves toward us anyway. There is nothing we’re going to confess that causes Jesus to say: “Wait. You did what?” Jesus knows the parts of our story we’ve worked really hard to keep hidden. And He still went to the cross for us.

TO BE FULLY KNOWN

Maybe that’s why we want someone to really know us? We were created for a kind of relationship where we could be completely known without hiding. Sin made us afraid of that.

So, now we spend our lives looking for people who will know us while simultaneously making sure they don’t know too much. But Jesus offers something different. He doesn’t ask us to convince Him that we’re doing great. He already knows how we’re doing! He knows when we’re afraid. He knows we’re faking and really ashamed. He knows when we are trying to keep areas of our life covered up. And He hasn’t moved away. 

In fact, He’s moving toward us right now. It’s because the thing we’ve been looking for all along isn’t someone who thinks we’re impressive. It’s someone who knows exactly who we are and still says: “Come to Me.”

When Anxiety Starts Growing

I tend to get overwhelmed easily. My brain will focus on a conversation and I will replay the conversation in my head over and over. Pretty soon my worries have evolved like a Pokemon evolution into a whole new problem that is always bigger and scarier than the original problem.

When I find myself in that place, I try to center my thoughts on three areas:

  • What is my responsibility.
  • What isn’t my responsibility.
  • How to move forward.

Then, I make a list of what is my responsibility. I can take a shower. I can get dressed. I can spend time in God’s Word and prayer. This initial movement alone gets my brain out of the “ideating” stage where I loop stress and anxiety and helps me start taking steps forward.

What Is My Responsibility

When I start to think about the specific conversation or event that is causing me stress I try to write down the details of those events. Who is involved? What happened? What was said? Again, these steps help me identify the nuts and bolts instead of getting swept up in emotion. I call it, “Taking Inventory.”

As long as the stress stays in my head the stress is always a blob of emotion swirling around, but simply writing down the nuts and bolts of the stress help me find this stage to be more manageable. I start to catch my breath. I start to see a path forward. I start to feel a little bit of hope in an area that felt hopeless.

What Isn’t My Responsibility

At this stage it helps me to clarify what I can’t change. I can’t change how someone responds. I can’t change how they are responding to the event / conversation. But I can show up prepared. I can listen well. I can reconsider based on what I learn from this interaction.

This little exercise takes only a few minutes. I typically write it into my phone in a text or Notes App. But I can feel my physical body start to relax as I go through this process. Most of my anxiety and stress comes from different scenarios in my head that might or might not happen. Most of the time, my anxiety isn’t coming from the stress of the event, but stress from something that is only happening in my head.

How to Move Forward

Now, I can focus on doing the best work I can bring to the table. If I don’t go through this process I can get stuck. But going through this process gives me a roadmap. I might get overwhelmed again, but now I have a reference point for me to come back to and re-evaluate.

The interesting thing about anxiety is that it usually wants to pull me away from the present moment. My mind starts racing toward outcomes, assumptions, worst case scenarios, and conversations that haven’t even happened yet.

But this process helps bring me back to reality: what is actually happening? What is my responsibility? What steps can I take forward? Sometimes the situation still feels hard. Sometimes the conversation still doesn’t go the way I hoped. Sometimes I still feel overwhelmed later in the day.

But now, instead of spiraling in every direction, I can focus on the next faithful step in front of me.